How to help Minnesota Twins' struggling young players

The Minnesota Twins are currently riding an eight-game losing streak.  Joe Mauer has been excellent, but every other player has been disappointing or just awful.  The young players are really struggling.  Aaron Hicks is hitting below .200.  Chris Parmelee is not performing as a regular player.  Oswaldo Arcia has sat four straight games.  Starters Vance Worley and Pedro Hernandez were jettisoned to AAA.  All in all, these men need someone who can lift their spirits.  They need a good role model.  They need someone who won't judge them, but will also teach them valuable life lessons.

I present to you my solution:

Help us, Brocktoon, you're our only hope.