We're knee-deep in rumor season. They're unavoidable. It's raining rumors. We're all likely to die. While we await our impending rumor-related demise, I thought it would be nice to compile all of the MLB rumors from the last 72 hours or so. That way, while we're dying of rumors, you can read all the rumors on one page. When you think about it, I'm a hero. When you don't think about it, I'm still a hero.
Now that Pablo Sandoval is spoken for and Giancarlo Stanton is locked up, we can get to rumors about lesser players! The shame of it all is that there isn't an MLB-related rumor site around that already does this for you. Because really, that would save me a lot of time. Here are the rumors; just assume that all of them have been reported by someone who is really good at texting and Twitter.
Rumor #1 - Hanley Ramirez would consider a position change.
Even though his couch is extremely comfortable, sources say that Hanley Ramirez would consider a position change from his usual spot on the chase. Industry sources report that Ramirez would be willing to shift to the other corner, but only if he were making room for an important guest or good friend. He has made it very clear that he prefers to remain in his natural position but he also considers himself a "couch team player."
Rumor #2 - Jon Lester is interested in the mystery team.
Sources close to Jon Lester have indicated that Lester is very intrigued by the mystery team concept. Lester has many suitors, but he's most interested in the concept of playing for a team of mystery. Apparently, Lester feels he could contribute to the mystery team both as a pitcher and as a detective. He has long-dormant investigative skills that he feels would help this mystery team as they pursue a championship and probably the Sapphire Ruby Fox.
Rumor #3 - Atlanta will take calls about Justin Upton.
Sources say that the Braves are willing to answer calls that are in reference to Justin Upton. They are willing to listen to any and all questions about Upton. This includes "what is his favorite color" and "where would he go if he could go anywhere in the world." There's no reason not to share this information, according to Braves' sources, but they do think it's odd that no one wants to trade for him.
Rumor #4 - Dodgers have Max Scherzer on their radar.
According to unnamed sources, the Dodgers have implanted Scherzer with a tracking device and are using it to keep him on their radar. This seems spectacularly invasive, but the Dodgers do have a lot of money. Sources are split on whether or not the tracking device works under water. Oddly enough, his blip shows up in two different colors.
Rumor #5 - Nick Markakis will consider shaving.
Even though he always has a manly stubble, Markakis has considered a clean shave during the off-season. Sources close to this reporter say that Markakis is very handsome and confident that he would still be quite striking without facial hair. This reporter is concerned, but is willing to keep an open mind. Although, this same reporter does worry that Markakis will accidentally nick his beautiful jaw line and that would be totally unfortunate. The sweet pun isn't worth the risk. I am, I mean, this reporter is confident that Markakis has a symmetrical face that can overcome any iteration of facial hair or lack thereof.
Rumor #6 - The A's have had internal discussion about Yasmany Tomas...behind his back.
With sources admitting it's "pretty rude," the A's have had internal, behind-his-back conversations about Cuban outfielder Yasmany Tomas. Among other things, they have discussed his weight, his injury history and his desire. This seems particularly lame because Tomas has been "really cool" to Oakland officials. He told a source that "I would never talk about them behind their backs; weak." It seems unlikely that the A's will land Tomas, but perhaps this is all just a comical misunderstanding.
Six juicy rumors in one place. That kind of six-for-one is exactly what we will need to combat the rumor flood that could ruin our ecosystem. If you need floaties, please contact me directly. Enjoy your Thanksgiving; if we make it that far.
Oh, and I tried to shoehorn a poker joke about making a deal but it just wouldn't work. I apologize for my failure.