Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Can Animals beat Birds at Baseball?

It seems like only yesterday, but two months ago, I wrote my most memorable and important blog post.  In that post, I investigated the likelihood of success for a team filled with bird baseball players.  I believe that I changed the world that day.  However, a team full of birds does need a team to play against, in order to know whether or not birds can actually play baseball.

Thus, we need a team filled with animals.

As with birds, I kept this team filled with animals to former, current and future Twins.  If you already forgot who was on the bird team, you can go here and review.

Let's take a look at the All Animal Team:

Catcher - Lion Harper

Having a lion behind the plate is a major advantage.  Lions are notoriously lazy, but if you go after their turf, oh man, look out!  If Lonnie Smith brought that weak stuff to a Lion Harper, he'd be all messed up.  Claws are also a plus, as it would be easy to grip the bat.

First Base - Scott Stahoviyak

You're just going to have to trust that is Stahoviak.  Yaks are surprisingly quick.  The range the yak would display at first would really make up for the lack of stretch due to stubby legs.  Horns never hurt either.

Second Base - Brian Doezier

So nimble, so swift, so sweet, so fragile, so pretty.  Does scary easily.  It's how they survive.  The hardest part of having a doe at second base would be keeping it safe from predator teammates.  When the team sees how graceful and skillful Doezier is, they'd understand that it's better to wait until after the game to eat from the post-game spread.

Third Base - Mike Lamb

Too easy, but also too adorable to pass up.  However, this is probably the team's weakness, regardless of how cute he is.  Lambs are babies.  They are small.  Often, they are awkward.  In addition, sometimes they come from other areas with more hype than they should really have.  In all, this is an area on the team where we are looking for upgrade ideas.  We're kicking the tires on Mike Moosetakis.

Shortstop - Pedro Florimongoose

Lots of speed, lots of range, not much bat.  It's a trade-off.  Having Doezier and Florimongoose in the infield should really help gobble up ground balls.  Sometimes literally, unfortunately.  Florimongoose might just be a placeholder right now, but what he does well, he does well.

Left Field - Marty Cordovelociraptor

Terrifying.  A roided-up dinosaur would be a nightmare in the outfield.  For the other team!!!!!!  The range and speed would almost give the team a second centerfielder.  At the plate, Cordovelociraptor would really struggle with balls on the outer half of the plate due to extremely disproportionate arms.  Don't throw at him; you'll lose your head.

Center Field - Byron Buckston

The Franchise!  Bucks are strong leaders.  They have to keep all the silly does and fawns in order.  Plus, they are fast and powerful.  They have antlers.  I'm not sure I want anyone in center over Buckston.  As far as I am concerned, he'll be in this lineup for the next decade, or longer.

Right Field - Eddie Brosario

Controversial, I know.  Technically, Bros are humans and thus, animals.  There are both advantages and disadvantages to putting Bros in the outfield.

  • Six arms, six legs - Range
  • Actual arms with fingers and thumbs - Batting
  • Pack mentality - Team Chemistry
  • Susceptible to dancing if music is played - Concentration
  • Axe Body Spray - Others' Concentration
Personally, I think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, but I don't smell things very well either.

Bench - Gene Sharkin

Some may think that Sharkin should be the starter at first, and Stahoviyak should be on the bench.  Here's my rationale:  I want Sharkin on my bench in case the game is played on or near water.  Sharks are powerful beasts, but would die on land.  I don't want to kill Gene Sharkin.  So, he'll be on my bench until the games are played in water.  Just to be safe.

Starting Pitchers - Rick Jaguilera and Rick Aguibera

A couple of big, powerful righties.  I'm not sure you mess with either of these dudes.  The steely glare, the giant paws, the killer claws.  Imagine the curve balls!  The intimidation factor is off the charts too.  Although, we do need to careful that these pitchers do not kill and eat their teammates.

Closer - Eddie Boardado

Able to do damage in short bursts, Boardado is perfect for the ninth inning.  The lack of stamina is not as important when Boardado is just needed an inning at a time.  Plus, he packs surprising power.  As he gets older, he will develop huge tusks, which will probably help him in some way.

Rivals - Torii Hunter, Hunter Pence, Tommy Hunter

This team better watch out for these three hombres.

Now that we have a bird team and an animal team, we need a locale for the game.  My suggestion:

Glen Perkins looks great.  The grass is closely manicured and there is plenty of room to roam.

Finally, what game is complete without a broadcaster?

Anthony LaPanda will do just fine.

And there we are.  We have an all-animal team.  These animals were hand-picked to take on a powerful bird team.  Who would win?  If you have an opinion, please share in the comments below.

If you are curious about the real players used to field this all animal team, I will include their names below.  If you really don't know who these players are by getting 85% of their name and their picture, you might be reading the wrong blog.  Regardless, this all-animal team should garner some headlines.  If they can keep from killing each other for food and land, they will be a force.

C - Brian Harper
1B - Scott Stahoviak
2B - Brian Dozier
3B - Mike Lamb
SS - Pedro Florimon
LF - Marty Cordova
CF - Byron Buxton
RF - Eddie Rosario
Bench - Gene Larkin
SP - Rick Aguilera
CL - Eddie Guardado

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