The Pelfrey Theories: Volume 1 of 1

You'll have to forgive me, I've been away.  Did I read that Mike Pelfrey is being considered for the fifth starter spot?  I believe I read that somewhere, but that can't be, right?  I mean, he's tall and whatnot, but he hasn't been good since 2010.  I know I've been absent from the baseball world, but time didn't spin all the way back around to 2010 again, did it?  How could that happen to just the baseball world?  Stop trying to confuse me.  ANSWER ME!

Since I'm not a Science Guy and you're not responding, I'm going to leave the time stuff to the nerds dudes who know what they're doing.  I'm more of a Wild, Stupid, Sometimes Zany Theory Guy.  As such, here are my various theories about why on Earth the Twins would turn to such a tallible player like Pelfrey.  I am also a Word Inventy Guy.

Theory Number 1 - He's tall

No, not all of my theories are about height.  This one is.  I can't shake the feeling that the Twins are enamored with his height.  Fact:  Tall guys are good at basketball.  Fact:  Basketball becomes Baseball when you take out two letters.  Fact:  Two letters is not a lot of letters.  Fact:  This might come in handy around June, during the NBA Finals.  The only question is how.  Maybe the Twins don't want to share how.  Maybe you should just trust them.  Stop being a dork about it.

They know what they're doing.

Theory Number 2 - He's wearing a Nick Blackburn mask

The Twins LOVED Nick Blackburn.  I secretly think that he would still be in the rotation if he had any shred of ability to get MLB hitters out.  This is no longer a secret.  Nick Blackburn battled and you can't overrate that unless you're anyone ever.  Mike Pelfrey is a taller version of Nick Blackburn.  Beard:  check.  One good season/moment:  check.  Seems nice (more on this later):  check.  Uniform number greater than 36:  check. 

Those four pieces of evidence pretty much sum it up.  If you still need convincing, here's some visual evidence:

And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling fans.

Theory Number 3 - HE HAS THE CODES!!!!

We have it under good intel that Pelfrey has the codes.  The codes.  You know which codes, STOP PLAYING DUMB!  HE HAS THE CODES!!!  Do you know what he could do with THE CODES!?!  If those codes get out into the real world, we're ALL screwed!  Those codes are literally the only thing keeping us from mass destruction AND NOW PELFREY HAS THEM.  Stop eating THAT APPLE and help me figure out how to stop him!  No one CAN know that Pelfrey has THE codes.  If the public knew that Pelfrey had the codes, it would be MASS frenzy.  Give him what he wants; he...HAS...the...COOOOOOOOOOOOOODES!!!!!!!! 

THE COOOOOOODES! 

Theory Number 4 - He's the only guy who cleans the fridge and microwave

You can't tell me that Brian Dozier doesn't melt cheese all over the microwave when he's making nachos.  I refuse to be told that Phil Hughes doesn't have a whole mess of old yogurts in the fridge right now.  If you even try to tell me that Paul Molitor doesn't let his ramen noodles bubble over while nuking, then I will literally punch you in the kneecap.  Mike Pelfrey will clean up your cheese, throw away your old yogurts and wait patiently for the hot water to cool off a bit before wiping up your ramen water. 

Theory Number 5 - He's like, super nice

Pelfrey seems like an affable guy.  He's jovial.  He's merry.  Who wouldn't want an affable, jovial, merry man in the clubhouse?  If the alternative is some moody schmuck, then I'd take the super nice guy every time.  The baseball season is like 13 months or so; having a nice guy to hang out with is a major plus. I bet he's really good at Xbox.  The Twins have always liked nice guys.  I prefer bad boyz.

You might combine this one with Theory 4, if you really want to get loco.

Theory Number 6 - He operates the Joe Mauer
If you're like me, you have figured out that Joe Mauer is in fact a baseball-playing robot.  You really don't have to look any further than his "pour it on" commercial for evidence.  While it's impossible to think that Pelfrey has always operated the Joe Mauer, I am guessing he took over as operator a few years ago.  Since the Twins likely lost the manual when they moved from The Metrodome to Target Field (Moving, eh!  Am I right?), only Pelfrey knows how to operate the Mauer.  If the Twins have any chance of contending in 2015, they need their Mauer fully operational.  

Theory Number 7 -  He's secretly Bruno Mars

It must be pointed out, I don't really know who Bruno Mars is.  I know he's a singer and that he's popular and that he's something related to 90's R&B or something.  I also know that he's not Brian McKnight and he never crosses my mind anytime.  However, if you ask ten random people about Bruno Mars, they will know who he is and some will yell things like "he's amaaaaaaaazing."

Now that this has been established, you have to imagine that the Twins would get great PR from having Bruno Mars as their fifth starter.  First, it would be a pretty shocking revelation.  Second, he could sing the National Anthem.  Patriotism is big these days.  Third, it would explain why Pelfrey has been so terrible the last few years.  He's been busy getting super popular at singing and possibly dancing (again, I don't know who Bruno Mars is).

Theory Number 8 - He's the best option, or at least the Twins think he is

Stop it.  It's not crazy.  If you could stop laughing/cursing for just one second, I can explain.  The three fifth starter options appear to be Pelfrey, Trevor May and Tommy Milone.  Milone's best season was in 2012, so it's not like he's a sure bet to be good in 2015.  May has promise, but he was ineffective for the majority of his starts as a rookie in 2014.  Pelfrey is a veteran and he's thrown over 190 innings three times.  Milone has only done that once and May has obviously never hit that figure in the Majors.  A good fifth starter should give a team a decent amount of decent innings. 

Yeah, I know, decent is the key word there.  Pelfrey was awful last year, but he was injured.  He wasn't much better in 2013, but he did have a 3.99 FIP in 152.2 innings pitched.  That's not so bad!  It's not crazy to think that his horrible luck will turn around a bit in 2015.  It's not like Pelfrey is an old man either.  He's only 31 and he's only under contract through this year. 

Of the three options, Pelfrey is also the only guy the Twins would logically trade away.  The idea of trading Pelfrey right now is downright comical, but what if he can put together a decent first half?  What if he can return to his pre-TJ form?  What if we all start growing fins so that we can swim better?  That would be so cool.  So would a good half-season from Pelfrey.  Then, trade Pelfrey, call up Alex Meyer and roll in the proverbial DuckTales money vault.    

For the record, I think that the final theory is the correct theory.  But secretly...

I think he has the codes.

THE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODES!

It's Raining 40-Men: Mike Pelfrey

YEEEEEEEAHHHhh!  Remember this dude?  He's the who wants to eat your soul in the Twins' barbershop commercial.  Here's a refresher:

More importantly, Mike Pelfrey is the guy the Twins paid over $1 million per start in 2014.  Not ideal, but what if they were truly amazing starts? 

2014 Season Overview

They weren't.  After spending most of 2013 wandering around the pitching mound, Pelfrey was re-signed to a two-year deal for 2014 and 2015.  He earned this contract based on...probably...height?  Pelfrey is really tall, no one can dispute that.  Pelfrey was slotted as the Twins' fourth starter out of Spring Training.  He threw 23.2 innings in those five previously mentioned starts, posting a 7.99 ERA, 1.983 WHIP and 0.56 strikeout-to-walk ratio.

Despite these numbers, the Twins placed Pelfrey on the disabled list on May 2, instead of completely moving all of the team's operations to hide from him as I had advocated for.  Pelfrey never got healthy and didn't pitch after May 1.  Pelfrey has currently made $9.5 million from the Twins and rewarded them with a 5.56 ERA in 34 starts.  He's averaged just a hair over 5 innings per start as a Twin, revealing his true value to the team:  bullpen-practice helper. 

2015 Role Projection

Blerg, probably in the rotation because he's under contract.  In a just world - some sort of baseball scarecrow. 

2015 Season Prediction

Any positive prediction for Pelfrey is completely illogical.  Since 2011, Pelfrey has an ERA of 4.99.  He can't go deep into games, he slows down the game, he licks his lips constantly, he's not young and he doesn't have upside. 

Counterpoint:

So, it's not all bad. 

A 90s Song for Mike

Pearl Jam - "Release"

Long-Term Outlook

I think his long-term outlook is pretty great.  He's only 31 and he had a 3.66 ERA in 2010.  That may seem like ages ago, but remember how Nick Blackburn pitched in that one game 163?  That bought him like 3 extra years, and he was mostly healthy.  Pelfrey had a full season of good games back in 2010 and he's barely gotten a chance with the Twins due to injury rehab and then injuries.  There are still people who probably think Blackburn didn't get a fair shot, so Pelfrey is likely to get a fair chance in 2015. 

Since Pelfrey's performance has yet to be a reason to get rid of him, I can only imagine he'll get another contract after the 2015 season.  He's earned it, right?  Perhaps he becomes a Twin for life, one day becoming the pitching coach, then the manager, then the general manager and then the owner, eventually holding all of those titles concurrently. 

The more likely scenario involves the Twins releasing Pelfrey at the end of Spring Training, Pelfrey signing with the Pirates, Pelfrey throwing one good game for the Pirates and the entire Twins Facebook page spontaneously bursting into flames. 

Is he a keeper?

Define keeper.  Could he provide some surprise value in 2015?  I suppose it's possible.  Perhaps his injuries really held him down in 2013 and 2014.  Perhaps when fully healthy, he can be a serviceable back-end starter.  $5.5 million isn't a crazy price for a back-end starter and Pelfrey was good back in 2010 (remember).  The money is a sunk cost and any value would be a big surprise.  That's the best way to spend $11 million - to explain the concept of sunk cost to a fan base. 

If he's bad and then re-signed for 2016, we'll know that the Twins are just trolling the daylights out of us.  So, at least we'll have that knowledge.  

Maylbag

There comes a time every month where a blogger has to write a fake mailbag.  I like to do mine on the first Friday of the month.  It's tradition and it's the way I've always done things and that's good enough for me.  This month, I have some really fun questions that I asked myself.  Most of them came around 3am.  I must be lonely.  That song is awful.  Let's start!

Why is calling up an extra position player for a doubleheader ever a good decision, except in retrospect?

Eric Pleiss, Talk to Contact Podcast co-host, general good guy.

It's not a good decision.  The Twins did this in their first doubleheader of 2014, calling up Eduardo Nunez for the twin bill.  On one hand, they doubled their Eduardos.  On the other hand, they added a position player that wasn't as valuable as a pitcher considering the situation.  For a doubleheader, it only makes sense to add a pitcher.  A spot starter makes the most sense, much like the Twins did yesterday with Kris Johnson.  They learned from their earlier mistake although they now have fewer Eduardos than I am comfortable with.  It's a real conundrum.  

Which April performance was most surprising?

Brad S., St. Paul, MN

For most, it was Chris Colabello.  NOT FOR ME!  I predicted that Colabello would hit more home runs than Josh Willingham in 2014 and that prediction is looking pretty swell right now.  I'm so proud of myself.  I bought some Lemonheads to celebrate. 

To answer the question, Kurt Suzuki has been most surprising to me.  I thought he was cooked.  I thought that he was basically a backup catcher miscast as a starting catcher.  I have no delusions that Suzuki will maintain a 126 OPS+, but if he can just hover around league-average offensively, his signing will have been a great success.  Perhaps I should buy everyone in the Twins' front office some Lemonheads. 

Who is your favorite Twins player from the 90s?  And I'm not talking about anyone who played in the 90s.  It had to be someone who played the most significant portion of their career in the 90s.  No cheating!

Brad S., St. Paul, MN

The easy answer is Chuck Knoblauch.  Or maybe Brad Radke.  The cheating answer is Kirby Puckett.  I was specifically told "no cheating" though.   I really liked Pat Meares for some reason.  My memory is fuzzy, but I feel like he was built up by broadcasters or something because I really liked him and I can't figure out why.  I look at his career stats and he didn't hit home runs and he didn't drive in runs, so it wasn't a baseball card thing.  He didn't have any big moments that I am aware of.  He was never the best player on the team. 

So I guess my question to all of you is:  did you like Pat Meares?  Please respond in the comments or chalk my driveway.

In your opinion, which Twins player wears his cap the best?

Brad S., St. Paul, MN

Oh man, it's so funny that you ask that question right now.  I literally just posted my analysis of how some prominent Twins players wear their caps.  Weird!  Random!  Here's the link.  Spoiler alert:  Glen Perkins' cap game is impressive. 

Why won't you get on board and rip Mauer?

Mom, St. Paul, MN

My mom didn't actually ask this question, but she does dislike Joe Mauer for no good reason.  Ripping Mauer is tedious, that's why.  Every criticism of Mauer is a relative criticism based on his salary or his lack of RBIs or his sideburns.  It gets old.  Defending Mauer actually seems to put me in the minority which is so odd because he's basically the Twins' best position player since Kirby Puckett. 

The anti-Mauer argument usually hinges on Mauer showing more "fire" or changing his approach.  I don't see how those are fair requests, but I guess his salary kind of makes him an easy target.  That said, he's been disappointing this season.  I thought that with regular at-bats, he'd get into grooves and put together some fun hitting streaks.  That hasn't happened yet, but I'd bet my Lemonheads that it will happen at some point this season.  He's too talented and he's not that old.  I'm going to be patient. 

With Trevor May and Alex Meyer pitching well for Rochester and with Sam Deduno pitching well in the bullpen and with Mike Pelfrey and Kevin Correia pitching slow pitch softball, what would your current Twins' rotation look like right now?

Brad S., St. Paul, MN

What an insightful question!  My five would be Ricky Nolasco, Phil Hughes, Kyle Gibson, Correia and Deduno.  I've basically reached a boiling point with Mike Pelfrey.  He'd be in my bullpen, or with my AAA team or not on my team at all if it weren't for that ridiculous contract that pays him for next season.  Why did I sign him for two years!  I'm willing to be a bit more patient with Correia because he was decent last year.  Pelfrey had a good month.  Cool.  Don't forget how excited the other team's fans were when Pelfrey signed with Minnesota.

I'm not ready to call for the kids just yet.  I think Deduno can fill in just fine for a few more weeks.  In June, I'd probably replace Correia with whoever is pitching better between May and Meyer (likely Meyer).  Deduno isn't a long-term piece, so he can be replaced at some point as well.  I don't really care when it happens, but I hope that by the end of the season the Twins' rotation is Nolasco, Hughes, Gibson, Meyer and May. 

If that happens, this season will be a huge success IMO.  IMO stands for in my office.  I like to write successes on the walls in my office.  IN BLOOOOOOOD.  Just kidding, pencil. 

With the rousing success of your #Eddie400 movement, what will be your next campaign?

Brad S., St. Paul, MN

As I write this sentence, Eduardo Escobar is hitting .324/.351/.412.  Pedro Florimon would need five bats to reach those figures.  Escobar is only on pace for 233 plate appearances, but I expect that number to start to rise because Pedro Florimon can't hit his weight and he's pretty skinny.  I'm about as smug as I can get right now.  My head is swollen.  I did step into a beehive though.

Thus, I need something new to harp on.  As you may recall, one of the Twins' AAA catchers follows me on Twitter.  Dan Rohlfing became my favorite player when he clicked that fateful button.  I'm willing to bet that he's really appreciated the dance video analysis, the fake mailbags, cap-wearing shenanigans and all the other weird stuff that I think of at 3am. 

My new campaign is simple.  I call it, "Rohlfing's September in Minnesota."  I want Mr. Rohlfing to be a part of the 2014 September callups.  I'm going to flesh this out in more detail in the future, but for now, I just want to see a guy with 8 years of experience in the Twins' organization rewarded with the realization of what I assume is his professional dream.  He seems like a good guy (based on Twitter, we've never talked) and you can never have too many catchers.  Let's all get on board with this one. 

That's it!  I'm out of questions to ask myself.  If you happen to have a question for a future mailbag, please send me an email at kevinsloweywasframed@gmail.com.  I will be so excited that I probably won't wait a month to answer it.  Have a great weekend, everyone!

First Mailbag of 2014!!!!!

My one resolution for 2014 is to answer more fake questions.  If someone (me) is going to go to the trouble of asking a question, the least I can do is answer it.  In addition, I'm going to answer the really tough questions that others are too scared to tackle.  In fact, 2014 is the year of answering the tough questions.  I won't be afraid of what the answers reveal.  I intend to get to know myself better through this exercise.  It's going to be quite cathartic and important, really.  Most importantly, we need to get off on the right foot with a really important question.           

What type of food is each Twins player?

 ~ Brad S., St. Paul, MN

We're off!  I'll flesh this out in more detail in the future.  I might even devote a full post to it and possibly create some stupid photoshops.  That said, I'll provide some of the easier answers:

• Joe Mauer:  Wonder Bread.  Kind of goes without saying.
• Brian Dozier:  Penne Arrabiata.  Spicy, good-looking, complex, yet traditional and non-threatening.
• Glen Perkins:  Tremendous Twelve.  Just outstanding, lots of variety, affordable, very filling.
• Mike Pelfrey:  Burnt Popcorn.  Some people actually like it; the result of taking too much time.
• Sam Deduno:  McRib.  Bounces between available and not available, saucy, incites excitement, makes some people crazy, not really very good.

Hi-yo.  What do you think the lineup will look like at the beginning of next season?  How about 2015?  Thanks, I'm a huge man.  

 ~ Brad S., St. Paul, MN

That's a very excellent and timely question.  It's possible that the Twins could still add one more position player who could weasel his way into the starting lineup.  Of course, I'm not sure the Opening Day lineup will change much, as our current skipper tends to err on the side of sentimentality/tradition.  Therefore, here is what I expect in 2014:

Alex Presley, CF

Brian Dozier, 2B

Joe Mauer, 1B (still looks weird)

Josh Willingham, LF

Oswaldo Arcia, RF

Trevor Plouffe, 3B

Josmil Pinto, DH

Kurt Suzuki, C

Pedro Florimon, SS

Nothing shocking, and I could see Plouffe hitting ahead of Arcia for those sentimental reasons.  Pinto and Suzuki are in the lineup because I think the Twins like Pinto's bat, but won't trust his defense initially.  Florimon's there, but I don't think he'll be there for long (more on that later).  Presley should hold off Aaron Hicks for a couple months, but I expect Hicks to tear up AAA because I am very irrational about him.  As for 2015, I foresee a couple of changes:

Aaron Hicks, CF

Brian Dozier, 2B

Joe Mauer, 1B

Oswaldo Arcia, LF

Miguel Sano, 3B

Josmil Pinto, C

Trevor Plouffe, DH

Alex Presley, RF

Eduardo Escobar, SS

Obviously, I prefer Escobar to Florimon, Hicks to Presley and Sano to Plouffe.  Unless the Twins sign some free agents, these are the guys who should be on the Opening Day roster in 2015.  I believe Sano will be ready but Byron Buxton will be a midseason entry.  Sano is a better defender than Plouffe and Hicks has better range than Presley (Hicks has a vastly superior RF arm too, but range > arm).  If Eddie Rosario plays like gangbusters upon return from his suspension (and plays in the outfield), he could supplant Presley, but I don't see that happening. 

Which player do you want to see more of in '14?

 ~ Brad S., St. Paul, MN

Take a look at my starting shortstop in 2015.  I want to see much more of Eduardo Escobar next season.  In fact, I'm starting "The Eddie 400" and I won't stop writing/talking about it until it is apparent that Escobar has no chance of getting 400 at bats.  I would love to see Escobar get 400 at bats next season.  I'm not really sure that he's good, but I am quite certain that he can hit at least as well as Pedro Florimon.  Plus, he's two years younger and might be an even better defender.  Even if the Twins are happy with Florimon, I'd love to see Escobar get some starts at 3rd and enhance the team defense. 

Next week, I plan to fully outline "The Eddie 400."  I'll outline all of the reasons why I'm smitten with Mr. Escobar.  I just really hope that someone calls him "Eddie" or this whole thing is quite loony. 

There are rumors that the Twins are interested in Johan Santana.  How does that make you feel?

 ~ Brad S., St. Paul, MN

Don't ruin my New Year, Twins.  Make this happen.

What is the core of the Twins team?

 ~ Brad S., St. Paul, MN

The core has to contain the players who will lead the team to glory.  Guys like Brian Dozier and Glen Perkins are great and nice and super, but they aren't really core players.  Dozier is good, but not great.  Perkins is great, but fills a role that can be filled much more easily than other roles.  So, the Twins core is Joe Mauer, Oswaldo Arcia, Miguel Sano, Bryon Buxton and Alex Meyer.

Obviously, only two of those players have MLB experience.  There is a lot riding on Buxton, Sano and Meyer.  If all three reach their ceilings, the Twins will have an insane core.  If two of three pan out, the core will still be great.  Perish the thought, but if all three crap out, well...let's just not think that way.  That core is excellent, but one more pitcher would be nice.  I'm actively wooing Masahiro Tanaka in my weekly POWER RANKINGS.  Check out my Rankin's here.  Tanaka would be a nice sixth in that core. 

What's your Pelfrey problem?

 ~ Brad S., St. Paul, MN

Ah, nothing really.  He seems very nice and he'll be great at the back of the rotation.  Calling him burnt popcorn will be my final jab at Pelfrey.  At least until he starts pitching.  Then, I might have to start in on him, just to pass the time between pitches. 

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Minnesota Twins Power Rankings: December 23, 2013

I've come to the realization that Kevin Slowey was Framed! is getting a bit stale.  Sure, you can find analysis and opinion and photoshop and all that, but I'm really missing some of the features that make the big sports sites go wonderful.  Mostly, I don't have nearly enough POWER RANKINGS.  See, POWER RANKINGS put things in order.  I love order.  Therefore, I decided to make some completely arbitrary Twins POWER RANKINGS (that's getting old already) to celebrate the Twins' off-season so far. 

Who knows, this could become a weekly feature.  You don't really need to know that though.  I don't want to get too detailed on how the sausage is made here at "The Slow" so let's just get to some serious rankings.

10.  Kevin Correia

I'm not hearing a lot of Correia criticism this December.  Correia was the most hated man in Minnesota in December of 2012, if I remember correctly.  He was basically Sgt. Slaughter, when he turned his back on USA and aligned with Iraq during the Gulf War.  Unlike Slaughter, Correia never got the chance to fight Hulk Hogan and he actually won over the state of Minnesota with surprisingly good pitching performances.  Now, he's considered a "reliable starter" and a "potential trade chip" instead of a "drain on humanity" and "cat crap."  What a year!

9.  This Phil Hughes t shirt

You see, "Hughes" sounds like "who's" and that's just good stuff.  But seriously, if anyone is seen wearing one of these shirts, just assume that person is very unstable. 

8.  Kurt Suzuki

Kurt Suzuki is a millionaire.  I am very happy for him.  I like this signing for the Twins and I think he will help as a nice part-time catcher.  He's a millionaire.  My front left tire is starting to bulge out and to fix it, I just put an extra coat in my car for when it finally blows out and I have to put the spare on while on the freeway.  I'll probably ride around on the donut for at least 500 miles.  Kurt Suzuki is a millionaire.  There's a reason he is number 8 and I'm not listed. 

For the record, I am not looking for pity.  I am a millionaire too.  I am really lazy.  I'd guess Suzuki has more sense than I do.

7.  Grant Balfour

Balfour signed a lucrative contract with the Orioles but failed a physical and had the deal voided.  Or, the deal never really existed.  Not sure.  Either way, Balfour is 7th because he doesn't have to spend half of his time in Baltimore.  That city smells like crab cakes.  Do you know how much mayonnaise is in crab cakes?  Disgusting.  The only thing more disgusting than mayonnaise is Miracle Whip.  Miracle Whip doesn't rinse off of the knife.  Why doesn't this bother anyone else?!?  Shouldn't it rinse off with warm water?  You have to scrub it off and even then it comes off in a hideous, far-too-white blob.  Ugh.  Balfour can head to a different city where they are known for something less skin-crawlingly awful.  For the record - not a fan of crab cakes.

6.  Ryan Doumit

Doumit was traded from the Twins to the Braves less than a week ago.  He moves from a 96-loss team to a 96-win team.  He went from zero Upton brothers to TWO Upton brothers.  In addition, are you aware of how cheap real estate is in the Atlanta area?  You can buy a 7-bedroom, 8-bath, 5000 square foot house for 80 bucks.  It's true. Atlanta is truly something.

However, I do take issue with Delta.  Delta is in Atlanta, far from an actual delta.  If you ask me, Delta should move to Savannah, Georgia or change its name to something more geographically accurate.  For that reason, Doumit cannot appear higher on this list. 

5.  Jason Kubel

Kubel had an abysmal 2013 season.  He hit just five home runs, got traded from sunny Arizona to sunless Cleveland, and then he was forced to sign a Minor League contract at the young age of 31.  He's fifth on this list because the Twins snatched him up and then traded their incumbent DH/squat guy, basically opening up that role for Kubel.  Kubel had some really fun moments with the Twins from 2004-2011.  He hit for the cycle.  He crushed 28 home runs.  He blinked a lot.  Now that he's back in his baseball home, we should expect nothing but long-term greatness from Kubel. 

4.  Aaron Gleeman

Fellow Twins blogger Aaron Gleeman had the courage to post his favorite songs from 2013 last week.  I know, I know, saying "fellow Twins blogger" in this instance is like Jay Canizaro saying that Kirby Puckett is a "fellow Twins alumni" but I've decided that I need to be a lot more brash.  It's one of my resolutions.  Anyway, Gleeman deserves major credit for sharing his musical tastes with the masses.  They say, "don't talk religion or politics" but I'd add music to that list as well.

Is there anything more individual than musical taste?  Music brings out the strongest sense of self-superiority in otherwise decent human beings.  You say just once that "I kind of like the Red Hot Chili Peppers' new album" and your best friend literally decapitates you.  I know for a fact that I am one of a very select few who exclusively listens to bucket drumming bootlegs and that's fine.  I don't need to force my musical tastes down the throats of my friends, family and co-workers.  I do think it's fun to share my tastes with others though, with the hope that someone, someday will share my affinity for Monster Magnet. 

Anyway, kudos to Mr. Gleeman for sharing.  I enjoyed his list and I hope everyone can take away the beauty of human individualism from his writing, like I did. 

That said, any and all country music is offensive garbage.

3.  Twins fans

Awwwwwwwwwwww.  For real, Twins fans have to feel pretty good after the last couple months.  The Twins lost nearly 300 games between 2011-2013.  I will go on record saying that the Twins will not lose 300 games next season.  Even more important, they may lose fewer games than they win.  There's an avenue to a .500 record.  It involves additional moves, some luck and maybe some minor chicanery, but there is an avenue.  You couldn't say that in December of 2012 when Sgt. Correia was hanging out with The Iron Sheik.  At least, that's how I remember it.

2.  This Glen Perkins tweet:

@dannyvalencia19 thanks dan
— Glen Perkins (@glen_perkins) December 20, 2013

Perkins joked about new Twins catcher Kurt Suzuki hitting a home run off of him during the 2004 College World Series.  Former Twins third baseman and current "guy with a smug look on his face," (most likely) Danny Valencia, corrected Perkins to point out that the CWS refers to the World Series itself and not the Regionals or whatever.  Perkins replied with just two words and somehow conveyed annoyance and disdain.  Calling someone by the name they do not go by is just classic HEADGAMES!  I love it.  He also used all lowercase, when he clearly knows the importance of proper nouns, evidenced by his use of capital letters when writing Suzuki's name in his original tweet.  HEADGAMES!  Valencia, you are not worth a shift.

Valencia called him "bud" in response, which is just tired.  He should have called him "G-bag" or "len" (note the lowercase) and played off of his name like a real pro.  He also typed "lol" which means he is 11.  That could explain his difficulties against right-handed pitching.

Plenty of people have called me "Bradley" over the years, just to be annoying.  Every time I hear it, I slowly start to pull my throwing star out, before ultimately deciding against using my greatest skill.

1.  Mike Pelfrey

Unfairly dubbed "Mike Smelfry" by a brash blogger, Pelfrey signed a two-year deal with the Twins just a short while ago.  (note - using terms like "short while" is an indication that I am too lazy to open a new tab and find the date)  Pelfrey can laugh all the way to the bank, so long as he invests his money wisely.  It's entirely possible that he just throws all his cash onto a pile in his garage for all I know, but I like to think of my favorite team's players as being financially responsible.

Anyway, fans who loathed watching Pelfrey strut around the mound seemingly trying to form a baseball into a diamond will get two more years of enjoyment from Mr. Pelfrey.  In reality, his signing was fine.  He was durable prior to his injury and most seem to think that he will return to his durable self.  He doesn't totally suck.  He parlayed pretty poor performance into a two-year contract and I'm not sure anyone on this list can top that. 

Congratulations to Mike Pelfrey, the most powerful man in Twins Territory!

Fans take out full-page ad to thank Terry Ryan for the Mike Pelfrey signing

Upon news of the Minnesota Twins two-year, $11 million contract with Mike Pelfrey, Red Sox, Rays, Orioles, Yankees, Blue Jays, Tigers, Indians, Royals, White Sox, Athletics, Rangers, Angels, Mariners, Astros, Braves, Nationals, Mets, Phillies, Marlins, Cardinals, Pirates, Reds, Brewers, Cubs, Dodgers, Diamondbacks, Padres, Giants and Rockies fans each took out a full-page ad in the Minneapolis Star Tribune to thank Twins General Manager Terry Ryan.

Pelfrey's signing was reported earlier today, and the Star Tribune immediately received requests to properly thank Terry Ryan for this wonderful gesture of goodwill toward each of the other 29 MLB teams.  Royals' fan Jake Williams felt it was just the right thing to do.

"Not being subjected to Pelfrey's slow work and mediocre results will certainly improve my fan experience next season, " said Williams.  "To take him off the market for two seasons is just a great show of charity for fans of all teams.  Except the Twins, of course."

An eight-year veteran, Pelfrey had a rather rocky season with the Twins in 2013.  He pitched just 152.2 innings in his return from Tommy John surgery, although he did spend nearly 50 million hours walking around the mound, licking his fingers.  His 5.19 ERA likely suppressed his free agent market, and Angels' fan Ryan Garrelts is certainly thankful that Ryan sees something that seemingly no one else sees.

"Wow, his ERA was over 5 and he was just unbearable to watch,"  Garrelts stated.  "I am truly grateful that Terry Ryan came along and took Pelfrey off the market.  I have to admit to being very concerned that he would find his way onto the Angels and we'd run out of ChapStick in the Anaheim area."

Pelfrey did return from Tommy John surgery in record time and is reportedly a very nice guy.  These are two facts that did not impress Orioles' fan Derek Robertson.

"That's awesome, I'm sure he's really nice," said Robertson.  "I mean, I'm sure the opposing hitters really like him.  I'm happy he recovered from Tommy John so quickly, but should he really get credit for last April and May?  The batters could have thrown the ball up in the air and hit it themselves and they likely wouldn't have scored as many runs.  Terry Ryan is a Saint."

Pelfrey's best season was in 2010, when he went 15-9 with a 3.66 ERA.  Since then, Pelfrey has had two poor seasons and a major surgery, a reality pointed out by Braves' fan Erin McDougal.

"He had a good season back in 2010, but that's like saying that cereal is good before it goes soggy," philosophized McDougal.  "Sure, we know that, but there isn't a device that currently exists that makes cereal less soggy.  I'm working on it, but it's a few years away.  Mike Pelfrey is soggy cereal and I guess that makes Terry Ryan me.  Interesting thought.  Anyway, thank you to me, I guess.  I do miss having Pelfrey in the division but I think we all know that no other team was going to sign him."

When asked for comment, Mets fans were unable to respond due to a massive, collective, unprecedented giggling fit.  
  
Twins fans were less impressed with the move and seemed to express more confusion about the potential effectiveness of the move in the long-term.  This sentiment was summarized by Twins fan Gerald Stephens.

"I don't get it at all, man," stated Stephens.  "I mean, how does this make the team better?  The Vikings still need a Quarterback and they don't seem to want to find a good one.  I may not be an expert, but how does Mike Pelfrey get us to a Super Bowl?"

When informed that Pelfrey signed with the Twins to play baseball, Stephens simply stated, "Joe Mauer sucks."

Sunday's Star Tribune sports section was a record 39 pages in length.  Here is the ad that Royals fans took out for Ryan:

On a local economic level, the ad revenue generated from the fans' ads will make it possible for the Star Tribune to call each and every person who has ever expressed even the slightest amount of interest in their newspaper, newspapers in general, news in general, words and paper.  Star Tribune officials are hopeful that these calls will result in two more subscriptions.