Saturday, December 14, 2013

Fans take out full-page ad to thank Terry Ryan for the Mike Pelfrey signing

Upon news of the Minnesota Twins two-year, $11 million contract with Mike Pelfrey, Red Sox, Rays, Orioles, Yankees, Blue Jays, Tigers, Indians, Royals, White Sox, Athletics, Rangers, Angels, Mariners, Astros, Braves, Nationals, Mets, Phillies, Marlins, Cardinals, Pirates, Reds, Brewers, Cubs, Dodgers, Diamondbacks, Padres, Giants and Rockies fans each took out a full-page ad in the Minneapolis Star Tribune to thank Twins General Manager Terry Ryan.

Pelfrey's signing was reported earlier today, and the Star Tribune immediately received requests to properly thank Terry Ryan for this wonderful gesture of goodwill toward each of the other 29 MLB teams.  Royals' fan Jake Williams felt it was just the right thing to do.

"Not being subjected to Pelfrey's slow work and mediocre results will certainly improve my fan experience next season, " said Williams.  "To take him off the market for two seasons is just a great show of charity for fans of all teams.  Except the Twins, of course."

An eight-year veteran, Pelfrey had a rather rocky season with the Twins in 2013.  He pitched just 152.2 innings in his return from Tommy John surgery, although he did spend nearly 50 million hours walking around the mound, licking his fingers.  His 5.19 ERA likely suppressed his free agent market, and Angels' fan Ryan Garrelts is certainly thankful that Ryan sees something that seemingly no one else sees.

"Wow, his ERA was over 5 and he was just unbearable to watch,"  Garrelts stated.  "I am truly grateful that Terry Ryan came along and took Pelfrey off the market.  I have to admit to being very concerned that he would find his way onto the Angels and we'd run out of ChapStick in the Anaheim area."

Pelfrey did return from Tommy John surgery in record time and is reportedly a very nice guy.  These are two facts that did not impress Orioles' fan Derek Robertson.

"That's awesome, I'm sure he's really nice," said Robertson.  "I mean, I'm sure the opposing hitters really like him.  I'm happy he recovered from Tommy John so quickly, but should he really get credit for last April and May?  The batters could have thrown the ball up in the air and hit it themselves and they likely wouldn't have scored as many runs.  Terry Ryan is a Saint."

Pelfrey's best season was in 2010, when he went 15-9 with a 3.66 ERA.  Since then, Pelfrey has had two poor seasons and a major surgery, a reality pointed out by Braves' fan Erin McDougal.

"He had a good season back in 2010, but that's like saying that cereal is good before it goes soggy," philosophized McDougal.  "Sure, we know that, but there isn't a device that currently exists that makes cereal less soggy.  I'm working on it, but it's a few years away.  Mike Pelfrey is soggy cereal and I guess that makes Terry Ryan me.  Interesting thought.  Anyway, thank you to me, I guess.  I do miss having Pelfrey in the division but I think we all know that no other team was going to sign him."

When asked for comment, Mets fans were unable to respond due to a massive, collective, unprecedented giggling fit.  
Twins fans were less impressed with the move and seemed to express more confusion about the potential effectiveness of the move in the long-term.  This sentiment was summarized by Twins fan Gerald Stephens.

"I don't get it at all, man," stated Stephens.  "I mean, how does this make the team better?  The Vikings still need a Quarterback and they don't seem to want to find a good one.  I may not be an expert, but how does Mike Pelfrey get us to a Super Bowl?"

When informed that Pelfrey signed with the Twins to play baseball, Stephens simply stated, "Joe Mauer sucks."

Sunday's Star Tribune sports section was a record 39 pages in length.  Here is the ad that Royals fans took out for Ryan:

On a local economic level, the ad revenue generated from the fans' ads will make it possible for the Star Tribune to call each and every person who has ever expressed even the slightest amount of interest in their newspaper, newspapers in general, news in general, words and paper.  Star Tribune officials are hopeful that these calls will result in two more subscriptions.


  1. Hahahahahahaha this sounds like something out of The Onion!! Great job, Brad!