I've come to the realization that Kevin Slowey was Framed! is getting a bit stale. Sure, you can find analysis and opinion and photoshop and all that, but I'm really missing some of the features that make the big sports sites go wonderful. Mostly, I don't have nearly enough POWER RANKINGS. See, POWER RANKINGS put things in order. I love order. Therefore, I decided to make some completely arbitrary Twins POWER RANKINGS (that's getting old already) to celebrate the Twins' off-season so far.
Who knows, this could become a weekly feature. You don't really need to know that though. I don't want to get too detailed on how the sausage is made here at "The Slow" so let's just get to some serious rankings.
10. Kevin Correia
I'm not hearing a lot of Correia criticism this December. Correia was the most hated man in Minnesota in December of 2012, if I remember correctly. He was basically Sgt. Slaughter, when he turned his back on USA and aligned with Iraq during the Gulf War. Unlike Slaughter, Correia never got the chance to fight Hulk Hogan and he actually won over the state of Minnesota with surprisingly good pitching performances. Now, he's considered a "reliable starter" and a "potential trade chip" instead of a "drain on humanity" and "cat crap." What a year!
9. This Phil Hughes t shirt
You see, "Hughes" sounds like "who's" and that's just good stuff. But seriously, if anyone is seen wearing one of these shirts, just assume that person is very unstable.
8. Kurt Suzuki
Kurt Suzuki is a millionaire. I am very happy for him. I like this signing for the Twins and I think he will help as a nice part-time catcher. He's a millionaire. My front left tire is starting to bulge out and to fix it, I just put an extra coat in my car for when it finally blows out and I have to put the spare on while on the freeway. I'll probably ride around on the donut for at least 500 miles. Kurt Suzuki is a millionaire. There's a reason he is number 8 and I'm not listed.
For the record, I am not looking for pity. I am a millionaire too. I am really lazy. I'd guess Suzuki has more sense than I do.
Balfour signed a lucrative contract with the Orioles but failed a physical and had the deal voided. Or, the deal never really existed. Not sure. Either way, Balfour is 7th because he doesn't have to spend half of his time in Baltimore. That city smells like crab cakes. Do you know how much mayonnaise is in crab cakes? Disgusting. The only thing more disgusting than mayonnaise is Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip doesn't rinse off of the knife. Why doesn't this bother anyone else?!? Shouldn't it rinse off with warm water? You have to scrub it off and even then it comes off in a hideous, far-too-white blob. Ugh. Balfour can head to a different city where they are known for something less skin-crawlingly awful. For the record - not a fan of crab cakes.
6. Ryan Doumit
Doumit was traded from the Twins to the Braves less than a week ago. He moves from a 96-loss team to a 96-win team. He went from zero Upton brothers to TWO Upton brothers. In addition, are you aware of how cheap real estate is in the Atlanta area? You can buy a 7-bedroom, 8-bath, 5000 square foot house for 80 bucks. It's true. Atlanta is truly something.
However, I do take issue with Delta. Delta is in Atlanta, far from an actual delta. If you ask me, Delta should move to Savannah, Georgia or change its name to something more geographically accurate. For that reason, Doumit cannot appear higher on this list.
5. Jason Kubel
Kubel had an abysmal 2013 season. He hit just five home runs, got traded from sunny Arizona to sunless Cleveland, and then he was forced to sign a Minor League contract at the young age of 31. He's fifth on this list because the Twins snatched him up and then traded their incumbent DH/squat guy, basically opening up that role for Kubel. Kubel had some really fun moments with the Twins from 2004-2011. He hit for the cycle. He crushed 28 home runs. He blinked a lot. Now that he's back in his baseball home, we should expect nothing but long-term greatness from Kubel.
4. Aaron Gleeman
Fellow Twins blogger Aaron Gleeman had the courage to post his favorite songs from 2013 last week. I know, I know, saying "fellow Twins blogger" in this instance is like Jay Canizaro saying that Kirby Puckett is a "fellow Twins alumni" but I've decided that I need to be a lot more brash. It's one of my resolutions. Anyway, Gleeman deserves major credit for sharing his musical tastes with the masses. They say, "don't talk religion or politics" but I'd add music to that list as well.
Is there anything more individual than musical taste? Music brings out the strongest sense of self-superiority in otherwise decent human beings. You say just once that "I kind of like the Red Hot Chili Peppers' new album" and your best friend literally decapitates you. I know for a fact that I am one of a very select few who exclusively listens to bucket drumming bootlegs and that's fine. I don't need to force my musical tastes down the throats of my friends, family and co-workers. I do think it's fun to share my tastes with others though, with the hope that someone, someday will share my affinity for Monster Magnet.
Anyway, kudos to Mr. Gleeman for sharing. I enjoyed his list and I hope everyone can take away the beauty of human individualism from his writing, like I did.
That said, any and all country music is offensive garbage.
3. Twins fans
Awwwwwwwwwwww. For real, Twins fans have to feel pretty good after the last couple months. The Twins lost nearly 300 games between 2011-2013. I will go on record saying that the Twins will not lose 300 games next season. Even more important, they may lose fewer games than they win. There's an avenue to a .500 record. It involves additional moves, some luck and maybe some minor chicanery, but there is an avenue. You couldn't say that in December of 2012 when Sgt. Correia was hanging out with The Iron Sheik. At least, that's how I remember it.
2. This Glen Perkins tweet:
Perkins joked about new Twins catcher Kurt Suzuki hitting a home run off of him during the 2004 College World Series. Former Twins third baseman and current "guy with a smug look on his face," (most likely) Danny Valencia, corrected Perkins to point out that the CWS refers to the World Series itself and not the Regionals or whatever. Perkins replied with just two words and somehow conveyed annoyance and disdain. Calling someone by the name they do not go by is just classic HEADGAMES! I love it. He also used all lowercase, when he clearly knows the importance of proper nouns, evidenced by his use of capital letters when writing Suzuki's name in his original tweet. HEADGAMES! Valencia, you are not worth a shift.
Valencia called him "bud" in response, which is just tired. He should have called him "G-bag" or "len" (note the lowercase) and played off of his name like a real pro. He also typed "lol" which means he is 11. That could explain his difficulties against right-handed pitching.
Plenty of people have called me "Bradley" over the years, just to be annoying. Every time I hear it, I slowly start to pull my throwing star out, before ultimately deciding against using my greatest skill.
1. Mike Pelfrey
Unfairly dubbed "Mike Smelfry" by a brash blogger, Pelfrey signed a two-year deal with the Twins just a short while ago. (note - using terms like "short while" is an indication that I am too lazy to open a new tab and find the date) Pelfrey can laugh all the way to the bank, so long as he invests his money wisely. It's entirely possible that he just throws all his cash onto a pile in his garage for all I know, but I like to think of my favorite team's players as being financially responsible.
Anyway, fans who loathed watching Pelfrey strut around the mound seemingly trying to form a baseball into a diamond will get two more years of enjoyment from Mr. Pelfrey. In reality, his signing was fine. He was durable prior to his injury and most seem to think that he will return to his durable self. He doesn't totally suck. He parlayed pretty poor performance into a two-year contract and I'm not sure anyone on this list can top that.
Congratulations to Mike Pelfrey, the most powerful man in Twins Territory!