How to help Minnesota Twins' struggling young players

The Minnesota Twins are currently riding an eight-game losing streak.  Joe Mauer has been excellent, but every other player has been disappointing or just awful.  The young players are really struggling.  Aaron Hicks is hitting below .200.  Chris Parmelee is not performing as a regular player.  Oswaldo Arcia has sat four straight games.  Starters Vance Worley and Pedro Hernandez were jettisoned to AAA.  All in all, these men need someone who can lift their spirits.  They need a good role model.  They need someone who won't judge them, but will also teach them valuable life lessons.

I present to you my solution:

Help us, Brocktoon, you're our only hope.

25 Minnesota Twins Drafts in 25 Days: 1999

The 1998 draft was a real disaster.  The Twins' first-round pick did not reach the Majors.  The best player they drafted wouldn't reach the Majors until 2006, and with a different franchise.  Was 1999 much better?  Yes.  Yes, it was.  However, there are still some terrible similarities between 1998 and 1999, starting with...

1st Round Pick

The Twins used the 5th overall pick on B.J. Garbe, an outfielder out of Moses Lake High School in Moses Lake, Washington.  He won the 1999 Gatorade High School Baseball Player of the Year.  He was also high school teammates with current Twin Ryan Doumit.  Garbe couldn't hit.  He took some walks, didn't strikeout at an alarming rate, but he couldn't hit.  He didn't have any power either.  He would never reach the Majors. 

Ah, but what if? 

The '99 draft was weird.  Josh Hamilton went first overall, and we all know of his saga.  Josh Beckett went second, and won a couple World Series.  After that, picks 3-8 were huge disappointments.  Barry Zito was drafted 9th and Ben Sheets was 10th.  Either of those guys would have been nice.  If you look even further down, Brandon Phillips was drafted one pick  after Twins' second-round selection Rob Bowen. 

Best Player Drafted

The Twins went North of the border with their third-round selection and emerged with one of the more popular players in recent history.  Justin Morneau was a high school kid in British Columbia and eventually became the Twins' long-term starting first baseman and 2006 AL MVP.  I don't think you can nail a pick any better and Morneau alone makes this a successful draft. 

Worst Player to Reach MLB

I remember a select group of fans who wanted Terry Tiffee to take over third base from Corey Koskie.  Tiffee's career -1.1 WAR would state that it's a good thing fans do not get to make those decisions.  Tiffee had a decent debut in 2004, but was out of the Majors by 2009 and seems to have retired after last season.    

The One Who Got Away

The Twins drafted a local kid in the 45th round.  Pat Neshek was a righty out of Park Center High School.  He chose to pursue his education, while pitching for Butler University.  However, the Twins were enamored and would draft Neshek again in 2002, ensuring that he would not be the one who got away, forever.  At least until they released him.

Best Name

There are some excellent choices here, but I'm going to go with Sherwin Lockridge, the Twins 29th-round pick.  There was also Digno Torres in the 37th round. 

Fun Facts

• Garbe had two teammates drafted in the second round of the '99 draft.  You already know Ryan Doumit, who was drafted 59th overall by the Pirates, just three picks after the Twins selected Rob Bowen. In addition, outfielder Jason Cooper was drafted 63rd overall by the Phillies.  Cooper did not sign. 
• I suck at research, so I can't find any details on how that Moses Lake team did, but I'm guessing they were quite successful. 
• All of the combined WAR from this draft class comes from Morneau (22.1) and Neshek (4.0).
• The remaining players contributed negative WAR.
• I briefly thought that Barry Quickstad's name was Barry Quicksand.  Once I realized my error, I completely lost interest in Barry Quickstad. 

All those drafted who made it to the Bigs

Justin Morneau, Pat Neshek, Brian Wolfe, Willie Eyre, Travis Bowyer, Brian Slocum, Rob Bowen, and Terry Tiffee

One Sentence Summary

Justin Morneau saved the 1999 draft for the Twins; he's from Canada.

Link to the Twins' 1999 draft from Baseball Reference

Punishing Fans for Disparaging Remarks

I've had it!  I've had it up to here (I'm literally holding one hand far over my head and typing with the other, with extreme precision, I might add)!

Every week, I write a landmark Monday Morning Madness post (link, in case you missed this past Monday's madness).  In it, I always take to the Twins' Facebook page to answer a hypothetical question asked by a fan of the team.  This is one of my smarmiest of ideas and also one of my personal favorites.  Well, I enjoy writing the sardonic response, but going through the comments looking for questions is exhausting.  I usually need a 5-6 hour nap when finished. 

Why, you might ask?

Negativity!  People can be so negative.  Twitter is just as bad as Facebook, but harder to search and easier to ignore.  Now, I get it, the internet is a negative place and "get over it and stop crying you baby do you need some juice," but still.  Every single post I look through, no matter the original content, some Charleton will post a sarcastic, biting comment about the team, a player or management.  Each is hilarious, as everyone on the internet is hilarious.  Some are hostile and others are psychotic.  I usually leave those alone.  However, some are simply mean and sassy, which is a combo that I do not enjoy on a regular basis.

The most frequent recipient of these witty barbs is Aaron Hicks.  Everyone knows that Aaron Hicks is off to a slow start and many are calling for his proverbial head.  In fact, I present to you, seven examples of unprovoked attacks on Aaron Hicks, accompanied by my "analysis."

• From Facebook - "Correia should be hitting in front of Hicks"  Me - HAHA lol, Hicks is worse at batting than the pitcher!
• From Facebook - "Willingham is starting to look like hicks."  Me - This guy won't even capitalize Hicks' name.  Burn.  See, Josh Willingham is in a slump, so he sucks too.
• From Facebook - "Hey Hicks... YOU PLAY BALL LIKE A GIRL!"  Me - This is a "The Sandlot" reference, but very sexist as well.  Some girls are excellent ballplayers. 
• From Facebook - "Maybe they can teach Hicks to hit and get that average above .220"  Me - This was posted as a response to a photo of Hicks with "Ham" and "Squints" from The Sandlot.  I would prefer more seasoned coaches.
• From Twitter - "Oh man... Hicks is just terrible.  Time to give it up and stick to basketball"  Me - Ok, that's racist.
• From Twitter - "I like Pedro florimon but Aaron Hicks sucks"  Me - This is odd juxtaposition. 
• From Twitter - "Aaron Hicks sucks"  Me - This was actually posted twice, by the same person.  It's short, but mean. 

I don't know Aaron Hicks.  He seems nice.  He golfs.  I feel a need to defend Hicks from these sharp-tongued insult-mongers.  My standard reply is "hey man, leave Aaron alone, he's cool and nice" but that almost never gets anyone to stop being mean jerks.  So, a more extreme solution is needed. 

In fact, this might become my main platform, should I ever run for POTUS.  I become eligible in 2020, so I have plenty of time to refine this platform.  Anyway, here goes:

Player Blackouts

Thanks for reading everyone!

Perhaps Player Blackouts is not as self-explanatory as I hoped.  Let me go into tedious depth.  The idea is that anyone who badmouths a young player, slumping player, or injured player gets three strikes.  If you make a mean comment about a specific player, you get a strike.  At three strikes, you lose the right to watch that player when they either blossom, end their slump, or heal from their injury.  

The comments that count as a strike are like those examples above.  If you are making rational remarks, you don't get a strike.  Examples:

Hicks looks lost at the plate right now - Not a strike
Hicks might need more delicious seasoning in AAA - Not a strike.
Hicks plays baseball like a one-armed centaur with poor balance and ill-fitting shoes - Strike.

When you reach strike three, you enter Player Blackout mode.  If you are rational and/or kind, you can say negative things, you just can't say jerky things that contribute nothing to society.

This is how you qualify, but the best way to describe how the actual blackout works is to give a scenario:

Fast forward to 2014 as Aaron Hicks has returned from AAA.  He has made all the proper adjustments, had a big Spring and is ready to assume the leadoff spot.  Of course, you referred to him as human garbage, compared him to a mythical beast with disabilities, and then just said that he "blows," so you have three strikes. 

It's game one of the 2014 season and Dick Bremer is stoked.  Joe Mauer's sideburns have grown back.  The opposing pitcher finishes his warm-up tosses and "California Love" plays faintly in the background.  Just then, your TV goes completely black.  When the game comes back, Aaron Hicks is standing on first base, looking pretty pleased with himself.  You have no idea what happened. 

Then, right as the next pitch is thrown, your TV goes black again.  When it's back, Hicks is on second, covered in dirt.  Later in the game, a line drive is hit toward center field.  Black.  When your TV comes back, Hicks is on screen, but you don't get to know why. 

Player Blackout. 

You basically lose your right to watch the player you disparaged and you lose that right for two years.  So, in this scenario, every time Hicks comes to the plate, every time he takes off to steal a base and every time a ball is hit in his general vicinity, your TV just goes black. 

Based on the depth of the comments above, it would probably take these folks almost the full two years to realize what is happening.  There would be a lot of yelling, grunting, remote throwing and general confused, yet intense anger.  However, we will all live in a better place.  Through this form of negative punishment, people will inherently learn to be more patient with baseball players. 

You shouldn't get to rip a player endlessly when times are tough and then enjoy their talents when times are good.  That's lame.  I haven't figured out how to make this work live and in person.  Violators might just be banned from all games.  I'd be a terrible President.  

The other option would be groin punches, but I'm not sure how to implement that effectively.

What do you think?  What totalitarian idea do you think best keeps people from exercising their right to free speech?  Please respond carefully in the comments below.

25 Minnesota Twins Drafts in 25 Days: 1998

Nick Punto ain't walkin' through this door.  The Twins would have loved to have drafted a Nick Punto in 1998.  Unfortunately, they only had 20 opportunities to do so.  Punto was the first pick in the 21st round and the Twins were probably just about to take him!  They got Marc Bluma instead.  No hard feelings.  Not to worry, the Twins didn't draft anyone good in 1998, so not getting Punto fits in quite well.

1st Round Pick

Ryan Mills was a lefty starter out of Arizona State University.  He was a hoss, at 6'5" and probably awesome at partying, as I believe that is the only major at ASU.  He had previously been drafted by the Yankees in 1995, but did not sign.  So, if you need another reason to despise the Yankees, just remember that they could have kept the Twins from ever drafting Ryan Mills, the party-hoss from Peoria, Illinois.

Ah, but what if? 

Look, Mills didn't work out, but it's not like there was a better lefty starter option.  It's not like there was a future 200 game winner.  It's not like there was another really tall guy.  It's not like CC Sabathia was selected with the 20th overall pick.  Oh wait, it's like that.  It's exactly like that.  Bummer.  There was also a guy named J.M. Gold taken 13th by the Brewers and that's just a fantastic name.

Best Player Drafted

The Twins drafted Saul Rivera in the 9th round.  He eventually left the organization and went on an odyssey.  In 2003, his Baseball Reference line states:  "Did not play in major leagues (unknown)."  That's different.  He bounced to a few organizations and then landed in Washington, where he made his MLB debut in 2006, at the age of 28.  By way of simply getting to the Bigs, he is easily the best player the Twins drafted and signed in 1998. 

Worst Player to Reach MLB

The Twins really liked Kevin Frederick.  They drafted him in the 17th round in 1997.  He did not sign.  Then, they drafted him in the 34th round in 1998 in what would be later seen as a complete waste of everyone's time.  Frederick made his Twins debut in 2002, pitching 11.2 innings and giving up 13 earned runs.  He had five strikeouts and ten walks.  I can see why the Twins liked him. 

The One Who Got Away

The Twins drafted J.J. Putz in the 17th round, but he did not sign with the team.  Putz was a really good closer for a few years, got injured, then resumed being a really good closer.  His name is silly.

Best Name

Rhett Riviere in the 22nd round.  That sounds more like a Hollywood movie star than a baseball player, omg! lol

Fun Facts

• The Twins drafted Kevin Frederick two more times than they drafted CC Sabathia
• Ryan Mills was a disaster, walking almost six batters per nine innings in his minor league career. 
• Adam Dunn was selected one pick after Twins' second-round pick Marcus Sents.  Dick Bremer seemed legitimately concerned that Adam Dunn would kill Aaron Hicks last week.
• This has nothing to do with anything, but I noticed that Twins' 42nd-round pick Andy Neufeld went to Manatee Community College in Bradenton, Florida.  I'm pretty sure I made fun of that name before, but I can't really remember why.  Anyway when looking through other players from this school, I found this guy:  Hilly Hathaway!  Doesn't that sound like the name of a player from the 1890s?  Hilly did not have much of a career, but that is a fantastic name and no one can take that from him. 
• Alex Cole went to Manatee CC too.  Just sayin.

All those drafted who made it to the Bigs

J.J. Putz, Saul Rivera, Juan Padilla, Tommy Watkins, Mike Gosling, Kevin Thompson, and Kevin Frederick

One Sentence Summary

I may name my first-born Hilly Hathaway Swanson.

Link to the Twins' 1998 draft from Baseball Reference

25 Minnesota Twins Drafts in 25 Days: 1997

Travis Lee was being a real jag and didn't want to sign with the Twins after the 1996 draft.  The Twins did not want to duplicate that jaggery in 1997.  They had a strict "no-jag" policy in '97, opting instead for super nice guys.  In the end, the Twins drafted two very popular players and one (perhaps) unfairly unpopular player.  They also drafted a guy who they would later draft much higher and with much worse results.  Stay tuned!

1st Round Picks

The Twins had two, as the aforementioned jag did not sign.  The Twins had the 9th overall pick, and used it to draft Michael Cuddyer.  "Cuddy," or "Cuddy Bear," as he would be affectionately called, took some time to get it going, but ultimately became a useful and versatile player, albeit one with a very red face.  With their Lee pick, the Twins drafted Matt LeCroy.  He looked like a teddy bear, so the Twins completed the Cuddy Bear/Teddy Bear combo successfully.

Ah, but what if? 

I know that Cuddy was very popular, but Lance Berkman went 16th overall and was roughly four times the player as Cuddyer (by WAR, which I know, I know, it sucks, but just handle it, k?).  Berkman has a semi-decent Hall of Fame case and a no-doubt Hall of Fame nickname - Big Puma.  Would he have become Big Puma in Minnesota?  He'd probably be Berky or LancePants, so I think everything worked out perfectly for all stakeholders. 

Best Player Drafted

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Nick Punto!  Punto narrowly edges Cuddyer out by WAR, mostly because he was a great defensive player with good on-base skills and he battled just slightly more than Cuddy.  Honestly, Nick Punto drew a lot of ire from fans, but was never the worst player on the team and not nearly as embarrassing as Denny Hocking and his frosted tips (unprovoked Hocking shot alert!). 

Of course, Punto didn't actually sign with the Twins.  He went back to school (he's smart) and was drafted in the 21st round by the Phillies the following year.  He would then come to the Twins in the 2003 Eric Milton trade. 

Worst Player to Reach MLB

25th-round pick Adam Johnson, who posted a -1.1 career WAR.  You may remember Johnson as a first-round pick, but that would come a few years later.  In fact...

The One Who Got Away

I'd argue that Johnson is the one who got away.  If the Twins had signed him back in 1997, he wouldn't have been around to draft in the first round in 2000.  If not him, Punto, but he eventually found his way back to the flock.   

Best Name

Tagg Bozied in the 50th round.  Much like the Terminator, "he would be back, later."

Fun Facts

• The Twins drafted future backup quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo in the 34th round.  He should have been in soap ads; seems like a huge missed opportunity.
• Michael Restovich, the Twins' second-round pick, went to Mayo High School.  When you think of it, it's a Miracle that he Whipped himself to the Big Leagues.  Right?
• The Twins drafted Tim Sturdy in the 23rd round.  Oddly enough, he was 7' 5" and 155 lb. 
• Michael Cuddyer was arguably a better pitcher than Adam Johnson
• The Twins drafted David Justice in the 49th round, which was later deemed illegal, as Justice was an established player with the Braves.  It was worth a shot.

All those drafted who made it to the Bigs

Nick Punto, Michael Cuddyer, J.C. Romero, Matt LeCroy, Michael Restovich, Kevin Frederick, and Adam Johnson

One Sentence Summary

LEAVE NICK PUNTO ALONE!