Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Derek Jeter Retirement Gift Ideas

When Mariano Rivera came to Minnesota on his retirement tour last season, the Twins promptly won the "most creative retirement gift" award when they presented him with a rocking chair made of broken bats (get it, he's old and his cutter breaks bats!).  Now, Derek Jeter is on his award tour and the Twins better have a good gift ready to go.  Look, we can all sit here and speculate on what the Twins will give to Jeter...and yeah, let's do that.

Gift Idea #1 - A statue made of Skippy peanut butter

Did you even know that Jeter endorsed Skippy?!?  A few things here.  One, this is obviously a re-purposed Elvis Presley butter sculpture, but the resemblance is certainly there.  Two, this is butter and not peanut butter, but have you ever tried to make a sculpture out of peanut butter?  Three, those peanut butter jars seem disproportionately big, it's almost as if someone was trying to cover up the fact that the picture he chose did not have the second hand on the sculpture.  Anyway, this is just one idea, I have more.

Gift Idea #2 - The entire Metrodome roof

Giving pieces of the stadium or ballpark to a retiring player is common.  The Mariners gave Jeter one of the bases from Safeco.  The Red Sox gave Jeter the number two from their scoreboard.  The White Sox gave him some dirt.  The Twins can make waves by one-upping every other team and giving Jeter the entire roof from the former Metrodome.  The image shows just a piece of the roof, but imagine the awe when the entire roof is presented to Jeter before the game.  What could he use it for?  Who cares, what can he use any of this stuff for?

Gift Idea #3 - Mike Pelfrey

I think this is technically considered re-gifting, but Jeter might not know that.  Both guys played in New York for a long time, so they could hang out.  Plus, the Twins don't really need a Mike Pelfrey right now and Derek Jeter has zero Mike Pelfreys.  This is a solid idea. 

Gift Idea #4 - Cash

That way, he can buy whatever he wants!  Some might say a Visa gift card is better, but cash just looks cooler.  Jeter doesn't look too psyched, but Twins fans will surely be pleased to know that this is actually Joe Mauer's cash.  I know, I'm just as shocked as you are that he walks around with his money like that.  Someone get this guy a financial panther! 

Gift Idea #5 - Some mid-80s fastballs

I don't have a snappy image for this one and it might be redundant if the Twins do give him Mike Pelfrey.  However, this would be a great way to help Jeter get some hits during his last visit to Target Field. 

Gift Idea #6 - A bunch of those shared bikes, but only for an hour

Who do you think he's waving to?  Could it be local celebrity, Nick Swardson????  Some cities like to give the retiring player something that defines their city.  Nothing defines Minneapolis like paying to rent a bike to get in the way of traffic.  Of course, he will need to return these bikes when he is done with them, but he can return them to any of the racks, not just this one.

Gift Idea #7 - Snowpants and a sweet tube sled

Some teams give gifts that the player can use the next time they come to their city.  The Angels gave Jeter a surfboard.  The Astros gave Jeter some cowboy boots and a cowboy hat.  The Twins can offer something that fits our climate.  It sure was nice of Jeter to put the snowpants on!  Also, I threw in a unicorn, an alien spaceship and the Tooth Fairy because he's just as likely to use those items as he is to ever set foot in Minnesota after this week. 

Gift Idea #8 - 25 hand-painted original pieces of art, one from each active player

Who knew Brian Dozier loved Nine Inch Nails so much?  Also, I don't think he needs his batting helmet for this.  The best thing about this gift is just how thoughtful it would be.  Plus, we'd get to find out if any of the Twins have true artistic talent.  Look how honored Jeter is!

If you're interested, here's a full-sized copy of Dozier's picture:


Gift Idea #9 - Ron Gardenhire sings Prince songs to him in front of everyone

Prince is arguably the most iconic person from Minneapolis.  While he would never come to Target Field to send off Derek Jeter, the Twins could get Ron Gardenhire to dress up like Prince and sing him a few songs.  This would both tie-in Minneapolis culture and entertain the living daylights out of Twins fans and music fans alike. 

Gift Idea #10 - A Gift Basket

But then, that's too easy. 

What would you give Jeter if you had to present him with a big, stupid gift in front of a bunch of bored/indifferent fans?  Sound off in the comments!


  1. My kids always gave me vouchers that they knew I would never redeem: massage from Oswaldo Arcia; one locker clean up from Brian Dozier; a 2-hopper right at you from Joe Mauer; promise to throw the Wild Card game from Phil Hughes...

    1. These are great! I think the two-hopper might be one that Mauer would follow through on though.

  2. Here's what I suggest the Twins do - in the spirit of their superlative gift to Mariano Rivera last year, how about a plastic chair made from melted down DVDs and CDs from various actresses/musicians he has dated over the years?

    1. I love it! That would take some serious thought and it would take a solid ten minutes to explain to that indifferent crowd.