Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Twitline: Kevin Slowey's Tumultuous 2013 Season

I'm sitting at home Monday night, minding my own business when I receive a text from a friend that reads:  "Haha, Kevin Slowey to MIAMI'S bullpen.  lol."

First off, I already knew you were laughing from the "Haha" so you didn't need to add lol at the end.  Unless you were worried that I was unaware of how "out loud" you were laughing.  Second, capitalizing entire words for emphasis is poor literary form.  Third, you know I love Kevin Slowey irrationally, why are you trying to hurt me? 

Well, mission accomplished, "friend," it did hurt me.  Slowey was a personal favorite, as you know if you have read anything from this blog or if you simply can read a title.  I felt that he was unfairly judged by stupid Twins fans.  I also felt the stupid media treated him unfairly.  Finally, I felt his stupid teammates did not appreciate him.  Now, it appears that stupid Miami is treating him like some castoff spy who has lost everything and has to rely only on the people who are still talking to him. 

I decided that it would be only fair to recap his season in the best possible manner:  inventing something called a Twitline (Twitter time line).  As such, I present to you my very first Twitline:  Kevin Slowey's tumultuous 2013 season. 

When we last heard from our hero, he was injured and had missed most of the 2012 season.  He had not been retained by the Indians and was a free agent.  At least until:
Oh, cool, welcome back Mr. Slowey.  I figured he would get a chance with some team.  He was only 28 and he had moderate success as a Twin.  Of course, a Minor League deal is still no sure thing.  I knew he faced an uphill climb.  Of course, uphill in Miami is pretty much as steep as you can adjust a treadmill, so he certainly had found the best possible landing spot.  Soon the stories were pouring in, stating that Slowey was working his way toward a rotation spot:
If you read that article, you will see that Slowey's "competition" for the last rotation spot included John Maine, Wade LeBlanc, Alex Sanabia and Brad Hand.  Not surprisingly:
Congrats, Kevin!  This feeling will last forever, I'm sure.  Pitching for the Marlins will never lead to heartbreak...
Crud.  Of course, at least there is one media member who does not hate Slowey.  I can't imagine that the Marlins purposely scored few runs for Slowey, just to punish him for reading.  I suppose it's possible, but unlikely.  Perhaps they were just waiting to explode.
/Marlins explode.  Slowey hadn't won in over two years.  Could the Marlins hold on?
The suspense is killing me!

They held on.  He won.  I celebrated with an entire pack of Klondike bars, which are from Slowey's hometown of Pittsburgh.  I like to celebrate in a culturally sensitive manner.  At this point, Slowey has reached the highest of highs.  This would not be the time to get cocky and do something weird or something that makes you a target of your teammates...

Success for Slowey never seems to last.  He had pitched well in April, but was less impressive in May.  In June, Slowey had to do the thing that he hated most.  The very thing that drew Twins fans' ire and Twins media's catcalls and barbs:  pitch in relief.
Hooray!  This was not a normal relief outing.  He came in to what would become a 20 inning game and pitched for basically an entire Slowey start.  This shouldn't become anything permanent, so long as his next start goes well.
Welp #2.  Trounced is not a word that is generally associated with "good pitching."  However, it was just one start, right?
That hashtag is too long.  However, it does appear that he didn't just have one bad trouncing.  He had a 5.88 ERA, including that awesome relief outing.  That means his ERA must have been around 20 (I'm bad at estimating) in his starts.  Oh no, this can really only mean one thing.
Welp #3.  This was probably inevitable.  It does seem ironic that Slowey was relegated to the bullpen.  After all, the Twins tried to use Slowey in the bullpen and he famously declared that it takes him too long to get loose, so the bullpen isn't the right place for him.  I really think that he was just upset that Nick Blackburn was starting over him, but I can't prove that.  Kevin, if you are reading, back me up.

Regardless, I'm sure Twins fans/supporters will handle this news appropriately...

Good luck in the bullpen, Kevin.  I mean that sincerely.  I'll always appreciate you.  Godspeed.  To infinity and beyond.  Please don't go out on me.  Can't find a better man.  I'm still alive.  Even Flow.

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