Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Forgotten Twins? Gary Wayne

My memories of Gary Wayne

That face!

I'm a little obsessed.  Or perhaps everyone else isn't obsessed enough.  I remember the birth mark and I remember that he was a lefty reliever who pitched for the Twins in 1991.  Ok fine, I got all that from the card.  Honestly, I don't remember much of Gary Wayne at all.  Are you happy?  I mean, he's my face hero and all, but I really have no clue who he was or what he was doing.

So, let's do some research!

Note:  Gary Wayne has one of those names that you have to go first and last, it's too odd to just write "Wayne" and I don't know him well enough to continually call him Gary.


Gary Wayne's Wikipedia page is disgustingly and embarrassingly sparse.  He's from Michigan and he went to the University of Michigan.  Way to branch out, Gar (I do know him well enough to call him Gar).  He was drafted by the Expos, so that's cool.  I can't imagine growing up in Michigan and then finding myself in French-Canada.  He was a part of the inaugural Colorado Rockies team.  If they were smart, they'd bring him back to throw out every first pitch ever.  Do you see his pitch face above?  It's an unstoppable idea.   

Baseball Reference

Wow, Gary Wayne played for the Twins for four seasons, amassing 147 games.  For some reason, I thought he was just on the '91 team.  He debuted on April 7, 1989 in a game against the Baltimore Orioles.  He faced seven batters with this awesome line:  4 BB, 3 K, 1 ER.  He went strikeout, walk, walk, strikeout, walk, walk, strikeout.  Using that pattern, what would be the next outcome?  Answer:  walk.  Math!

Wayne posted a 90 tOPS+ against lefties, so he wasn't much of a specialist.  Oh well.

People who search for Gary Wayne also search for Gary Serum, Jerald Clark and Greg Harris.  Serum's middle name is Wayne, so that makes sense.  Jerald Clark and Greg Harris played for the '93 Rockies, so I guess that makes sense too.  That was boring.  Here's a fun image I found in Google Image search:  Yikes

A couple more things from the image search.  There are a ton of mugshots of dudes named Gary Wayne Something.  If you are having a baby boy, avoid Gary Wayne as a first and middle, unless you think statistics lie.  Also, Gary Coleman's middle name is Wayne, so he is a Gary Wayne as well.  I guess that's not so bad.

People who search for Gary Wayne on Bing also search for Bill Swift, Don Wakamatsu, Scott Bankhead and Bruce Ruffin.  Ruffin played on that stupid '93 Rockies team that everyone searches for.  Swift played for the Rockies a few years later.  The other two make no sense whatsoever beyond being baseball players.  Bing is stupid.  As a public service to all you weirdos searching for those '93 Rockies players, here are a few legitimately notable players from that team:  Andres Galarraga, Dante Bichette, Vinny Castilla, Dale Murphy, Eric Young and of course, Jayhawk Owens.  De nada.

Here's a whole mess of women's clothing that I found when searching "gary wayne" on eBay:  Your new wardrobe.  That's pretty confusing.  My favorite actual Gary Wayne item is this West Palm Beach Expos card:  Buy it!  For some unexplained reason, this card is $13.  Gary Wayne wouldn't spend 13 bucks on a Gary Wayne card.  He isn't even pitching in the card, so his face is pretty normal.  In case you were wondering, yes, shipping is 6 dollars.  It ships from the Moon though, so that is a pretty good rate.


Hmm, could this be our Gary Wayne?  There's no picture and no information, so I can really only come to the honest conclusion that yes, this is our Gary Wayne.  I sent him a friend request and once I show him all the great things I have done with his face, I am sure we will be best of friends.  I mean, how could he not enjoy this?  I'm guessing I'll be throwing out the first pitch at a Colorado Rockies game by mid-2014.  


Twitter doesn't seem to acknowledge Gary Wayne much at all.  There's this:

Cool history, bro.

And then this pathetic idiot using a 1991 Score Gary Wayne baseball card to try to get people to sign up for his pathetic Facebook page:


Ok, I know I have posted this before, but I'll be darned if I am not going to post it every chance I get.  Gary Wayne shows up with Kevin Tapani about 20 seconds in.  Watch the whole video.  It's going to change your life.

Gene Larkin might be insane.

Random Person

I thought about calling a random person in the phone book, but I kept laughing at A Gorilla.  I can't ask anyone I know because I keep sending them pictures with Gary Wayne's face attached.  So, I did the only sensible thing and I asked this dude at Target:

Me:  Hey, this is weird, but do you remember Gary Wayne of the Twins?

Him:  /walks past me, looks combination annoyed/murderous

Me:  /decides to not ask a follow-up question


Queens of the Stone Age has a song titled "You Can't Quit Me Baby" about a guy who won't let his beloved forget him, no matter what it takes.  I love that title.  It's terrifying and awesome all at once.  However, it's a dark topic and I feel some regret bringing it up right now, but You Can't Quit Gary Wayne Baby.  He'll never be forgotten.  Not on my watch.


What is your favorite Gary Wayne memory?  Mine is his face from that card.

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