Inside a Target Field Promotions Meeting: A Screenplay

INT.  TARGET FIELD BOARDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

A room full of executives readies themselves for an important meeting.  WILSON, JOHNSON, THOMAS, SMITH, and DAVIS each take a seat at the table.  DAVIS sits at the head of the table and the others surround him.  Everyone looks nervous about the events to transpire.  WILSON, JOHNSON, THOMAS, and SMITH each have large, white poster boards, covered for now.  There is obvious tension in the room.

                                                                     DAVIS
Let's get this meeting started.  As you know, we need to plan the promotions and giveaways for the upcoming season.  We need to think outside the box, as fan interest is waning due to the on-field product.  It is up to our department to make up the difference in attendance.  I trust that each of you has a proposal to share. 

Everyone looks around at each other.  There seems to be confusion as each person looks down at their covered proposal.

                                                                     DAVIS  
WILSON, why don't you get us started?

                                                                     WILSON
Ok, no time like the present, right fellas? 

WILSON is carrying two poster boards.  He uncovers the first to reveal JOE FLOWER. 

                                                                     WILSON
My first idea is a giveaway that ties in with the Twins' best player.  We create 10,000 Joe Flowers.  The idea is that Joe Flower is an "atta-boy" or a pick-me-up.  When you see someone having a bad day, you give them Joe Flower.  Joe Flower combines the best element of a sunny, happy gift and the Twins' best and most marketable player. 

WILSON pauses.  The room seems confused an unimpressed. 

                                                                     DAVIS
This is terrible.  Why would we give away something that people are supposed to then give away to someone else? 

                                                                     WILSON
The idea is a "pay-it-forward" sort of altruistic, gift-giving...

WILSON trails off and uncovers his second poster to reveal JOE FLOUR

                                                                     WILSON
Joe Flour? 

                                                                     DAVIS
You're suggesting that we give away bags of flour with Joe Mauer's face on the front?  You think people are going to want to haul around five pound bags of flour at a baseball game?

                                                                     WILSON
Let's not be over dramatic, I mean, we could give away smaller bags.

                                                                     DAVIS
But why would people want them?

                                                                     WILSON
Well, they would be free.  That would be nice. 

                                                                     DAVIS
WILSON, why don't you take a seat.  Thank you for these "ideas."

WILSON slowly returns to his seat.  He looks noticeably embarrassed and sad.  THOMAS, JOHNSON AND SMITH all develop flop sweat and look more nervous than before. 

                                                                     DAVIS
Ok, JOHNSON, you're up.  Dazzle me.

JOHNSON stands slowly and heads to the front of the room.  He drops his poster board, revealing PANTS WORLEY.  He quickly picks it up, moves to the front of the room and officially unveils PANTS WORLEY.

                                                                     JOHNSON
Ok, so Vance Worley is one of our newest players and he has his signature glasses.  So, I thought we could play off of his glasses and his name and give out pants that have different colored glasses sewn into the upper thigh area and call them PANTS WORLEY. 

                                                                                                         DAVIS
You want to give away pants to our fans?

                                                                     JOHNSON
Yeah.  I figure it would be a nice, long-lasting giveaway and most people appreciate a good pair of pants. 

                                                                     THOMAS
Wouldn't we need a lot of sizes.  There is quite a range of pants-size in our crowd. 

                                                                     JOHNSON
Isn't that why we have market research?

                                                                     DAVIS
We have market research to make more money, not to make customized pants for each person coming to a game

                                                                     WILSON
That image is very unsettling.

                                                                     DAVIS
JOHNSON, why don't you just take a seat? 

                                                                     JOHNSON
You could easily give out PANTS WORLEY, but cut-offs.  Like, for the summer.  

                                                                     DAVIS
Thank you, I actually hadn't thought of that.  Please take a seat.

JOHNSON sheepishly returns to his seat.  THOMAS and SMITH are now sweating profusely.  WILSON still looks very sad.  DAVIS seems to be turning redder and redder.

                                                                     DAVIS
THOMAS, you had better be ready to wow me. 

THOMAS approaches the front of the room.  He turns as though he might go sit back down, before ultimately putting his poster up and revealing BRANDON POGGS WITH AN ANTHONY SLAMMER.

                                DAVIS
(angrily) What is this?

                                THOMAS
Fans really like Anthony Slama, so I wanted to capitalize on that.  I figured we could give away Anthony Slammers, you know because he comes in and slams the door shut.  Then, I saw that we had a guy named Brandon Boggs, and I mean, what else can I say?

                                DAVIS
I don't follow.

                                WILSON
Pogs are toys.  You set them up in a stack, then you hit them with a slammer and the pogs that stay upright are yours to keep.  It's super cool.  I got a bunch at home, I could bring them...

                                DAVIS
(interrupting) Are these popular?  Is this a kid's toy?

                                 JOHNSON
They were huge in the 90s.  Huge! 

                                DAVIS
Hmm, so I guess this would be an ideal giveaway.  We just need to find a time machine first.  So, if we decided to ignore the fact that these "pogs" are no longer relevant, you propose we give away toys with pictures of players who aren't going to be on the team?  Couldn't we give away pogs with current, popular player on the front, or past favorites?

                                THOMAS
Well, I suppose, but what would we call them?  Mauer Pogs?  Puckett Poggs?  It just doesn't have the same ring as Brandon Poggs with Anthony Slammer.

                                DAVIS
Go sit down.

THOMAS meekly returns to his seat.  As he sits down, WILSON hands him JOE FLOWER.  This seems to make THOMAS feel a little better. 

                                WILSON
See, it works!

DAVIS does not look amused.  He motions to SMITH.

                                                                     DAVIS
You've been quiet, what do you have for us, SMITH?

SMITH tries to look confident as he walks to the front of the room, but he trips a bit on his chair and nearly falls down.  He actually cuts his finger on a wastebasket, as he tries to keep himself from falling.  He also drops his proposal, but it does not reveal itself.  He stands at the front of the room, takes a deep breath, and reveals ANTHONY SPORTSHACK.

                                                                     DAVIS
Just sit down.

                                                                     SMITH
That's probably for the best. 

                                                                     WILSON
Do the workers wear umpire uniforms?

                                                                     SMITH
(tripping on his chair) Yes, it's an homage to Foot Locker.

                                                                     DAVIS
That is relatively clever.  Guys!  We need promotions that we can actually use to draw fans to the park.  We're going to go around the room, rapid fire, and everyone gives the first idea that comes to mind.  THOMAS (points to THOMAS)!

                                                                     THOMAS
Cole de Fries. 

                                                                     DAVIS  
Like, give away french fries?

                                                                     THOMAS
Yeah, but like, with Cole de Vries face on the front or something. 

                                                                     DAVIS
SMITH (points at SMITH)!

                                                                     SMITH
Ryan Donut?

                                                                     DAVIS
JOHNSON (points to JOHNSON), no food!

                                                                     JOHNSON
Um, what about Jared Curtains?  Like, we could give, um, Jared Burton themed curtains to fans.

                                                                     DAVIS
WILSON, anything to add?

                                                                     WILSON
What about Aaron Tricks and Trevor Poof?  We could dress them as magicians and have them do magic tricks.  Or, we could make it a joke and have them be really bad at magic.  I mean, it could go either way.

                                                                     DAVIS
How is that a giveaway?

                                                                     WILSON
It would be more of a promotion or something.  Maybe a viral video?

                                                                     THOMAS
What about Joe Pension?  A play off Joe Benson? 

                                                                     DAVIS
What would that even be?  Are you proposing that we give each fan a pension? 

                                                                     THOMAS
Well, no.  Maybe like fake money or something.

                                                                     JOHNSON
We could give away Kyle Lohsion.  We'd have to convince the team to sign Kyle Lohse, but it might be worth it...

                                                                     SMITH
What about Justin Porno?

                                                                     DAVIS
What?  No, stop, everyone stop!  This is a disaster.  These ideas are all horrible.  We pay each of you to come up with ideas.  We pay you to bring in fans.  This is just a bunch of nonsense and wordplay.  I should fire each and every one of you.

The room falls silent.  Everyone looks very disappointed.   

                                                                    WILSON
What about bobbleheads?

The room erupts in murmurs and head-nods.

                                DAVIS
I love it!  Excellent meeting everyone.  JOHNSON, talk to marketing and order five different players.  Get 10,000 of each!  It's clear why you all make the big bucks!

The room erupts in handshakes.  The handshakes become hand-pounds.  The hand-pounds become bro-hugs.  The bro-hugs get weird.