Finding Fun Minnesota Twins Single Season Records

Baseball Reference made their play index free for about a month.  I have intended to play around with it for a couple weeks, but I have been busy with work.  However, I'm on SPRING BREAK!!!! now, so I have some free time.  Let's see if we can find some cool stuff.  At the end, I'll decide whether or not to pay for this feature going forward.  I know you are on the edge of your seats.

Of course, I then immediately got distracted within the split finder and this was the result:

QUESTION NUMBER 1 - Who holds the Twins' record for most home runs in a single inning, over the course of a full season?

Answer:  Harmon Killebrew in 1962 and Jacque Jones 40 seasons later in 2002, with 11 each.  Both achieved this feat in the 1st inning.

Jones was the leadoff hitter that year, so each of those ding dongs was a leadoff shot.  Killebrew hit 48 home  runs that season, mostly batting clean-up.  He only hit one of those home runs in the 5th inning.  Odd. 

In case you were wondering, the highest total for each individual inning in Twins' history is listed below:

Inning	Player	HR	Season
1st	Harmon Killebrew	11	1962
1st	Jacque Jones	11	2002
2nd	Tom Brunansky	7	1983
2nd	Michael Cuddyer	7	2009
2nd	Delmon Young	7	2010
3rd	Kent Hrbek	7	1987
4th	Harmon Killebrew	9	1967
5th	Harmon Killebrew	8	1963
6th	Harmon Killebrew	9	1966
7th	Harmon Killebrew	7	1963
7th	Harmon Killebrew	7	1966
8th	Harmon Killebrew	7	1962
8th	Justin Morneau	7	2006
9th	Harmon Killebrew	7	1961

One guy appears on this chart quite a few times.  The conclusion:  Harmon Killebrew was awesome.

QUESTION NUMBER 2 - Who was caught stealing the most in a season, as a substitute, in Twins' history?

Answer:  Denny Hocking in 1997 with 3. 

Hocking was caught stealing 5 times that season, and only stole 3 bases.  He ended his career with 36 stolen bases and 27 caught stealing.  That's an elite 57% success rate.  But hey, at least he bleached his hair.  He also hit a robust .184 as a sub that season.  I'm guessing Hocking owns many of the Twins lol-est records. 

QUESTION NUMBER 3 - Who had the most plate appearances as a leadoff hitter in a season, in Twins history?

Answer:  Kirby Puckett with 160 in 1985. 

Kirby Puckett lead off all but one game he played in 1985.  In that season, he hit .288/.330/.385.  As the leadoff hitter, he hit .243/.300/.297.  Puckett was the leadoff hitter for one more season, before settling into the 3-hole.   If Aaron Hicks can post OBP and SLG as high as Puckett's figures in 1985, we should all be quite pleased.

QUESTION NUMBER 4 - Who was hit by pitch the most at home, in a single season, in Twins' history?

Answer:  Chuck Knoblauch (1997) and Cesar Tovar (1968), each with 11. 

I'm guessing that in hindsight, many Twins fans would have been psyched to see those Knoblauch HBPs.  Not me.  I enjoyed Knoblauch.  A.J. Pierzynski (2003), Cesar Tovar (1972) and Shane Mack (2003) were each hit 10 times on the road.  That's their record to share.  Pierzynski was hit a league-leading 27 times in his one season in San Francisco.  Wow, hurts donut indeed.  Knoblauch was hit by 139 pitches in his career.  Tovar was only hit 88 times. 

QUESTION NUMBER 5 - Who hit the most home runs on a 3-0 count, in a season, in Twins' history?

Answer:  Pat Meares (1997) and Bobby Kielty (2002), each with 2.

Odds are, both guys were benched shortly after the second jack.

QUESTION NUMBER 6 - Who had the most RBI in Twins' history, with 2 outs and runners in scoring position, in a single season?

Answer:  Gary Gaetti with 43 in 1987

In that season, Gaetti came to the plate 93 times in that situation.  He hit .326/.376/.581 in those plate appearances.  Most strikeouts in the same situation, in a season?  Gary Gaetti, with 25 back in 1983.  He hit .190/.281/.316 in those situations back in '83, in 89 plate appearances.  Looks like someone learned how to be clutch!  ;)

QUESTION NUMBER 7 - Who hit the most home runs at home in their final season with the Twins?

Answer:  Kirby Puckett with 13

Puckett hit his final two home runs at the Metrodome on September 4, 1995.  I know this because I was there.  It was Labor Day, so it was the last day of summer.  I got to go to the game, not knowing that it would be the final time I would get to see Kirby Puckett play.  He was my favorite player and I just adored him.  In the third inning, he hit an opposite-field solo home run.  Then, in the 4th inning, he hit a another one, this time with Rich Becker on base.  

These were the final two home runs that Twins fans got to witness in Puckett's Hall of Fame career.  No one would have ever guessed that at that time though.  I feel very lucky that I was there.  I think it may have been the only game I attended that season.  Of course, we all know that Puckett was forced to retire due to glaucoma at the end of that season.  He should have hit many more Metrodome home runs.  Very sad. 

Wow, things just got more serious than planned.  One more question.

QUESTION NUMBER 8 - Who has the highest OBP against same-handed pitchers, in a season, in Twins' history (min 200 PA)?

Answer:  Right-handed - Kirby Puckett (1995) - .371 OBP and Left-Handed - Joe Mauer (2012) - .392 OBP

Here is your daily reminder that Joe Mauer is swell.  This was also in Puckett's final season as an active player.  He was clearly still a great player and had at least a few more good seasons left in him.  Anyone arguing that Kirby Puckett isn't a Hall of Fame player did not watch him play (or did not watch him closely enough) and probably will have to fight me at some point. 

Not really, I'm pretty nice. 

Verdict:  I will be spending some money in a couple weeks.  If the split finder is this addictive, the play index must be even better.  Plus, this tool is only 36 bucks for the whole year, and I will probably play with it about 20 hours per week.  Doing the math:

20 hours x 52 weeks is 1040 hours

36 bucks / 1040 hours = .03 bucks/hour

Conversion to cents:

3600 cents / 1040 hours = 3.46 cents/hour

Yeah, it's worth it. 

I'll do this same exercise with some pitching records in the near future.  If you enjoyed this, check out Baseball Reference's split tool.  Be careful, it's very addictive.

Brad Swanson has a computer and access to the internet.  He started his own blog solely to show off his byline skills.  You can reach him via telephone, if you know his phone number.

Kevin Slowey named Miami Marlins fifth starter!

Kevin Slowey was named the Miami Marlins' fifth starter recently.  He joins a rotation with such stars as Ricky Nolasco, Nathan Eovaldi, Wade LeBlanc and Henderson Alvarez.  He is probably keeping the slot warm for Jacob Turner, Brad Hand and possibly Jose Fernandez.  I'm not really interested in analyzing the move.  Six people have requested more paint pictures, and I am happy to oblige.  Here is how Slowey and manager Mike Redmond celebrated this news:

I'll always love Slowey unconditionally, so I'll keep a constant Slowey update at the top of this blog.  I shall call them Slopdates, which is Slowey updates.  A million points if you can figure out why Redmond is portrayed using that color.

Kyle Lohse signs with the Milwaukee Brewers

So, I totally called the Kyle Lohse signing a few weeks ago.  Don't believe me?  Read this.  Yeah, that's right, try to find holes in that one.  All [jokes] aside, this saga went on for far too long.  Kyle Lohse was simply not worth waiting for and simply not worth all the words that have been spoken and written about him.  But now that Lohse has actually signed with the Brewers, there are clear winners and losers and since I am not tired, I might as well weigh in.

Obviously, the Cardinals are winners.  When Scott Boras finally found a team willing to sign Lohse and forfeit their draft pick, the Cardinals gained the 28th pick in the upcoming draft.  This pick also comes with more money to spend, thus a DOUBLE BONUS!  The draft is not considered to be very strong, but that doesn't mean that St. Louis will rue and/or lament this new pick.  They seem to be pretty good at drafting, so extra picks + extra money = extra goodness.  Plus, uber-prospect Shelby Miller can simply take Lohse's place in the rotation.  He might put up better numbers and certainly will generate more fan interest than Lohse did.  Of course, St. Louis has no issues getting fans to their games.

I think the Brewers are both winners and losers.  Lohse does upgrade their rotation.  While I am not a huge fan of his, he can throw innings and he can be effective.  Of course, the Brewers fans know very well that starters coming from St. Louis to Milwaukee are not always super effective.  Jeff Suppan comes to mind.  Kyle Lohse is absolutely better than Jeff Suppan.  I just don't think Lohse is good enough to push the Brewers past the Cardinals or Reds.  I'm not sure gaining the upper hand in the 3rd place battle with Pittsburgh is worth the 17th overall pick, but I could be wrong.  Roy Halladay was the 17th overall pick, once upon a time.  So, premise proven and then dominated!

Since I am a Twins fan, I can see a glimmer of an opening for the Twins.  Wily Peralta seems to be the odd-man-out in Milwaukee.  The Brewers rotation is pretty well set with Yovani Gallardo, Lohse, and young, interesting starters like Peralta, Marco Estrada, Chris Narveson and Mike Fiers.  Peralta might be the most talented, but also the biggest question mark of the four.  If he becomes available, for whatever reason, the Twins might have a bat that Milwaukee could want (Justin Morneau perhaps?).  If that trade came along, I'd make it.  Adding an arm like Peralta to the Twins' farm system would make it even stronger than it already is.  I would hate that trade for the Brewers, for the record.

No one else really loses.  Kyle Lohse isn't good enough to shift a race or change the playoff odds of any given team.  Lohse doesn't push the Brewers over the top, at least in my opinion.  He simply isn't good enough.  He had some good seasons in St. Louis, no doubt about that.  However, he hasn't been consistent and he has dealt with some injuries.  Plus, he is getting older.  He'll be 37 when this contract ends.  3 years and $33 million is fair for Lohse, I guess.  I just can't get too excited about a player like Kyle Lohse.  Sorry Brewers fans.

National League Award Predictions

Predictions are fun.  In March and April, anyone worth their weight in stubby pencils and blog ink will make preseason predictions.  The beauty is that no one really remembers predictions by the time awards and championships are won.  Therefore, anybody with a forum to "predict" is able to say whatever they want, without any accountability.  I like that.  Here are my predictions.

Breakout Player - Wilson Ramos

B-B-B-B-Bonus-s-s-s-s-s prediction!  Wilson Ramos has had an eventful career.  He has been traded, injured and even kidnapped.  Thankfully, he is safe and healthy now.  I think 2013 will be a breakout year for Ramos.  I actually like Kurt Suzuki and I understand why Washington likes him as well.  However, Ramos's talent is too hard to keep on the bench.  He may never post an OBP over .350, but I'd be willing to bet that he slugs .500 one day.  This could happen very soon.  I expect Ramos to be in the lineup more often than not. I also predict you will read a lot about the Nationals in the next few minutes. 

Rookie of the Year - Jedd Gyorko

It seems that for every Buster Posey, Mike Trout, Bryce Harper Rookie of the Year, there's a Jedd Gyorko, Chris Coghlan, Andrew Bailey Rookie of the Year.  While Gyorko is a legitimate prospect, he certainly is not a household name.  However, he has a starting job on Opening Day, and that is a huge advantage over the bigger names who will be called upon later in the season.  He is also a good hitter and will provide good defense for a team that might be surprisingly good. 

I would have picked Adam Eaton for this award, had he not injured his elbow.  Unfortunately, he is likely to miss two months.  I think Eaton is going to be a scrappy overachiever who "plays the right way" and exceeds expectations.  He would have been a lock for NL ROY and still might eek it out.

My apologies to Eaton, Tyler Skaggs, Oscar Taveras, and Gerrit Cole.

Cy Young Award - Stephen Strasburg

Stephen Strasburg is not the best pitcher in baseball, but he might have the best stuff.  He's going to get the chance to show what he can do over a full season, and I am guessing he will be extremely impressive.  Strasburg has name appeal as well.  I also expect Washington to have huge team success, which will certainly raise his stock and profile during award season.  He'll lead the league in strikeouts and could push 20 wins.  Plus, he throws so dern hard.

My apologies to Clayton Kershaw, Matt Cain and Cole Hamels.

MVP - Bryce Harper

Harper is my real NL breakout player.  I foresee big to huge things from Harper in 2013.  I actually think he goes 40-40.  I know, crazy, right!  I'm clearly just saying that to get attention.  Of course, no one knows my blog exists except a few members of my family and they already give me attention.  I truly believe that Harper provides baseball fans with a second consecutive season where we all get to enjoy a 20-year-old superstar. 

He has a ton of natural talent and he plays extremely hard.  He is basically a mash-up of Nick Punto and Mickey Mantle.  Right?  Regardless, Harper will be a monster and the Nationals will probably push 100 wins.  It just adds up.  A WAR in the 8-10 range seems about right.  (Obligatory WAR reference/WAR-hater-bait completed).

My apologies to Jason Heyward, Buster Posey and Joey Votto.

NL Champion - Washington Nationals

The Nationals seem to be a consensus pick to win a lot of games in 2013.  I haven't seen many people predict against them.  The Denard Span trade was extremely savvy; the Washington outfield is going to be tremendous.  Strasburg, Jordan Zimmerman, Gio Gonzalez and Dan Haren has to be one of the best 1-4 starter combinations in baseball.  Their infield is stacked, with Anthony Rendon ready to help if needed.  I already proclaimed my undying love for Bryce Harper.  What more can I say?

My apologies to the Atlanta Braves, Cincinnati Reds, San Francisco Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers.

World Series Champion - Washington Nationals

I guess I can say that I think Washington wins a title in 2013.  I love this team as much as I love pizza.  I love pizza.  Should I make some pizza analogies?  I'll save those.  But seriously, this team looks loaded.  Like toppings on a pizza, right?  Their starters are excellent, their bullpen is excellent, their offense is excellent, their defense is excellent, and their manager is excellent.  Perhaps I am overstating their excellence, but it's hard to find a hole on this team. 

The D.C. area hasn't enjoyed a lot of sporting success in the past couple decades, so this makes me happy.  I always like to see new teams enjoy big success and nothing is bigger than a World Series title.  Nothing.

If you want to read my American League predictions, please click here.  That way, you can see who I think Washington will beat in the World Series.  Fun!

American League Award Predictions

Predictions are fun.  In March and April, anyone worth their weight in stubby pencils and blog ink will make preseason predictions.  The beauty is that no one really remembers predictions by the time awards and championships are won.  Therefore, anybody with a forum to "predict" is able to say whatever they want, without any accountability.  I like that.  Here are my predictions.

Breakout Player - Matt Moore

B-B-B-B-Bonus-s-s-s-s-s prediction!  I think Matt Moore joins former uber-prospects Mike Trout and Bryce Harper in the ranks of superstar players and I think he does it this season.  The Rays traded James Shields away and I don't think they will miss him at all.  Moore has crazy good stuff and a really smart defense behind him.  I also predict that you will read a lot about the Rays in the next few minutes.

Rookie of the Year - Wil Myers

Myers was sent to the minors, but I don't think he'll be there for long.  The Rays will probably call him up in late April, sign him to a 7-year-team-friendly-deal and then watch as he helps lead their offense to an AL East title.  Myers can hit, throw, field and slug.  He's pretty close to a sure thing and will show the world what he can do in 2013.

My apologies to Jurickson Profar, Trevor Bauer, Nick Franklin and Aaron Hicks.

Cy Young Award - Justin Verlander

Justin Verlander is the best pitcher in baseball right now.  He throws a ton of innings, strikes out a ton of batters and wins a ton of games.  He has name appeal and he is going to pitch for a very good team.  He has basically had 4 straight Cy Young worthy seasons in a row, and I don't see that streak ending in 2013.  He's too good to pick against.

My apologies to Felix Hernandez, David Price and Yu Darvish.

MVP - Evan Longoria

This is the year.  I feel it.  Longoria is going to stay healthy, play over 150 games and win the MVP.  Longoria is the best position player on what I feel will be the best team in the American League.  He plays excellent defense and provides excellent offense.  It seems that an MVP season has been brewing for years, but injuries have hampered him the past two seasons.  The "Law of Not Needlessly Punishing Everyone By Keeping an Excellent Player Injured For Three Straight Seasons" would indicate that 2013 will be a healthy season.  When healthy, Longoria is one of the best.

Special Note regarding Mike Trout:  Get ready to see a lot of people writing about how Trout isn't living up to expectations in 2013.  His expectations are sky-high and he will be hard-pressed to match his 2012.  He will still be an elite player, but I am betting there will be a lot fewer people writing about that.  It will make me very sad.  :( 

My apologies to Miguel Cabrera, Albert Pujols and Robinson Cano.

AL Champion - Tampa Bay Rays

Experts seem to be worried about their offense, but hasn't that been the worry in the past few seasons?  I think Myers spends less than a month in AAA.  I think the Yunel Escobar trade was brilliant and I think he bounces back to 2011 Yunel Escobar.  I already proclaimed my love for Matt Moore and Evan Longoria.  Ben Zobrist and Matt Joyce are nice players.  David Price and Jeremy Hellickson are great, and Chris Archer should be helping the rotation by mid-season.  They have holes, but I'd like them in a series against every other team in the AL.  That seems to be the goal in the playoffs. 

My apologies to the Toronto Blue Jays, Detroit Tigers, Anaheim Angels and Texas Rangers.

If you want to read my National League predictions, please click here.  You might notice that I didn't predict a World Series Champion.  If you use context clues, you might be able to figure out why.  Or you can just click that link.  That should clear it all up.  

Inside a Target Field Promotions Meeting: A Screenplay

INT.  TARGET FIELD BOARDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

A room full of executives readies themselves for an important meeting.  WILSON, JOHNSON, THOMAS, SMITH, and DAVIS each take a seat at the table.  DAVIS sits at the head of the table and the others surround him.  Everyone looks nervous about the events to transpire.  WILSON, JOHNSON, THOMAS, and SMITH each have large, white poster boards, covered for now.  There is obvious tension in the room.

                                                                     DAVIS
Let's get this meeting started.  As you know, we need to plan the promotions and giveaways for the upcoming season.  We need to think outside the box, as fan interest is waning due to the on-field product.  It is up to our department to make up the difference in attendance.  I trust that each of you has a proposal to share. 

Everyone looks around at each other.  There seems to be confusion as each person looks down at their covered proposal.

                                                                     DAVIS  
WILSON, why don't you get us started?

                                                                     WILSON
Ok, no time like the present, right fellas? 

WILSON is carrying two poster boards.  He uncovers the first to reveal JOE FLOWER. 

                                                                     WILSON
My first idea is a giveaway that ties in with the Twins' best player.  We create 10,000 Joe Flowers.  The idea is that Joe Flower is an "atta-boy" or a pick-me-up.  When you see someone having a bad day, you give them Joe Flower.  Joe Flower combines the best element of a sunny, happy gift and the Twins' best and most marketable player. 

WILSON pauses.  The room seems confused an unimpressed. 

                                                                     DAVIS
This is terrible.  Why would we give away something that people are supposed to then give away to someone else? 

                                                                     WILSON
The idea is a "pay-it-forward" sort of altruistic, gift-giving...

WILSON trails off and uncovers his second poster to reveal JOE FLOUR

                                                                     WILSON
Joe Flour? 

                                                                     DAVIS
You're suggesting that we give away bags of flour with Joe Mauer's face on the front?  You think people are going to want to haul around five pound bags of flour at a baseball game?

                                                                     WILSON
Let's not be over dramatic, I mean, we could give away smaller bags.

                                                                     DAVIS
But why would people want them?

                                                                     WILSON
Well, they would be free.  That would be nice. 

                                                                     DAVIS
WILSON, why don't you take a seat.  Thank you for these "ideas."

WILSON slowly returns to his seat.  He looks noticeably embarrassed and sad.  THOMAS, JOHNSON AND SMITH all develop flop sweat and look more nervous than before. 

                                                                     DAVIS
Ok, JOHNSON, you're up.  Dazzle me.

JOHNSON stands slowly and heads to the front of the room.  He drops his poster board, revealing PANTS WORLEY.  He quickly picks it up, moves to the front of the room and officially unveils PANTS WORLEY.

                                                                     JOHNSON
Ok, so Vance Worley is one of our newest players and he has his signature glasses.  So, I thought we could play off of his glasses and his name and give out pants that have different colored glasses sewn into the upper thigh area and call them PANTS WORLEY. 

                                                                                                         DAVIS
You want to give away pants to our fans?

                                                                     JOHNSON
Yeah.  I figure it would be a nice, long-lasting giveaway and most people appreciate a good pair of pants. 

                                                                     THOMAS
Wouldn't we need a lot of sizes.  There is quite a range of pants-size in our crowd. 

                                                                     JOHNSON
Isn't that why we have market research?

                                                                     DAVIS
We have market research to make more money, not to make customized pants for each person coming to a game

                                                                     WILSON
That image is very unsettling.

                                                                     DAVIS
JOHNSON, why don't you just take a seat? 

                                                                     JOHNSON
You could easily give out PANTS WORLEY, but cut-offs.  Like, for the summer.  

                                                                     DAVIS
Thank you, I actually hadn't thought of that.  Please take a seat.

JOHNSON sheepishly returns to his seat.  THOMAS and SMITH are now sweating profusely.  WILSON still looks very sad.  DAVIS seems to be turning redder and redder.

                                                                     DAVIS
THOMAS, you had better be ready to wow me. 

THOMAS approaches the front of the room.  He turns as though he might go sit back down, before ultimately putting his poster up and revealing BRANDON POGGS WITH AN ANTHONY SLAMMER.

                                DAVIS
(angrily) What is this?

                                THOMAS
Fans really like Anthony Slama, so I wanted to capitalize on that.  I figured we could give away Anthony Slammers, you know because he comes in and slams the door shut.  Then, I saw that we had a guy named Brandon Boggs, and I mean, what else can I say?

                                DAVIS
I don't follow.

                                WILSON
Pogs are toys.  You set them up in a stack, then you hit them with a slammer and the pogs that stay upright are yours to keep.  It's super cool.  I got a bunch at home, I could bring them...

                                DAVIS
(interrupting) Are these popular?  Is this a kid's toy?

                                 JOHNSON
They were huge in the 90s.  Huge! 

                                DAVIS
Hmm, so I guess this would be an ideal giveaway.  We just need to find a time machine first.  So, if we decided to ignore the fact that these "pogs" are no longer relevant, you propose we give away toys with pictures of players who aren't going to be on the team?  Couldn't we give away pogs with current, popular player on the front, or past favorites?

                                THOMAS
Well, I suppose, but what would we call them?  Mauer Pogs?  Puckett Poggs?  It just doesn't have the same ring as Brandon Poggs with Anthony Slammer.

                                DAVIS
Go sit down.

THOMAS meekly returns to his seat.  As he sits down, WILSON hands him JOE FLOWER.  This seems to make THOMAS feel a little better. 

                                WILSON
See, it works!

DAVIS does not look amused.  He motions to SMITH.

                                                                     DAVIS
You've been quiet, what do you have for us, SMITH?

SMITH tries to look confident as he walks to the front of the room, but he trips a bit on his chair and nearly falls down.  He actually cuts his finger on a wastebasket, as he tries to keep himself from falling.  He also drops his proposal, but it does not reveal itself.  He stands at the front of the room, takes a deep breath, and reveals ANTHONY SPORTSHACK.

                                                                     DAVIS
Just sit down.

                                                                     SMITH
That's probably for the best. 

                                                                     WILSON
Do the workers wear umpire uniforms?

                                                                     SMITH
(tripping on his chair) Yes, it's an homage to Foot Locker.

                                                                     DAVIS
That is relatively clever.  Guys!  We need promotions that we can actually use to draw fans to the park.  We're going to go around the room, rapid fire, and everyone gives the first idea that comes to mind.  THOMAS (points to THOMAS)!

                                                                     THOMAS
Cole de Fries. 

                                                                     DAVIS  
Like, give away french fries?

                                                                     THOMAS
Yeah, but like, with Cole de Vries face on the front or something. 

                                                                     DAVIS
SMITH (points at SMITH)!

                                                                     SMITH
Ryan Donut?

                                                                     DAVIS
JOHNSON (points to JOHNSON), no food!

                                                                     JOHNSON
Um, what about Jared Curtains?  Like, we could give, um, Jared Burton themed curtains to fans.

                                                                     DAVIS
WILSON, anything to add?

                                                                     WILSON
What about Aaron Tricks and Trevor Poof?  We could dress them as magicians and have them do magic tricks.  Or, we could make it a joke and have them be really bad at magic.  I mean, it could go either way.

                                                                     DAVIS
How is that a giveaway?

                                                                     WILSON
It would be more of a promotion or something.  Maybe a viral video?

                                                                     THOMAS
What about Joe Pension?  A play off Joe Benson? 

                                                                     DAVIS
What would that even be?  Are you proposing that we give each fan a pension? 

                                                                     THOMAS
Well, no.  Maybe like fake money or something.

                                                                     JOHNSON
We could give away Kyle Lohsion.  We'd have to convince the team to sign Kyle Lohse, but it might be worth it...

                                                                     SMITH
What about Justin Porno?

                                                                     DAVIS
What?  No, stop, everyone stop!  This is a disaster.  These ideas are all horrible.  We pay each of you to come up with ideas.  We pay you to bring in fans.  This is just a bunch of nonsense and wordplay.  I should fire each and every one of you.

The room falls silent.  Everyone looks very disappointed.   

                                                                    WILSON
What about bobbleheads?

The room erupts in murmurs and head-nods.

                                DAVIS
I love it!  Excellent meeting everyone.  JOHNSON, talk to marketing and order five different players.  Get 10,000 of each!  It's clear why you all make the big bucks!

The room erupts in handshakes.  The handshakes become hand-pounds.  The hand-pounds become bro-hugs.  The bro-hugs get weird.