Thursday, March 13, 2014

Inside a Target Field Promotions Meeting 2: The Squeakquel

INT.  TARGET FIELD BOARDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

A room full of executives readies themselves for an important meeting.  WILSON, JOHNSON, THOMAS, SMITH, and DAVIS each take a seat at the table.  DAVIS sits at the head of the table and the others surround him.  Everyone looks nervous about the events to transpire.  WILSON, THOMAS, and SMITH each have large, white poster boards, covered for now.  THOMAS has a particularly huge poster and is bright red.  JOHNSON has a sack and is breathing heavily.  WILSON is nervously bouncing his knee up and down.  SMITH seems distracted by a bird at the window.  

DAVIS
I want to thank you all for your attendance today.  We'll be having lunch brought in from a restaurant named "Chi-Chi's," which I'm told is a celebration of food.  Last year was a disaster.  Due to some quick brilliant thinking, we salvaged things at the very end.  This year, I'm hopeful that we can avoid disaster altogether and create some really great promotions that get fans into the ballpark.  Also, I've been experimenting with some holistic anxiety therapies, so I am hoping to be a better, calmer leader this year.  WILSON, why don't you start us off.  I'm looking forward to your idea.
The room is now calm.  WILSON looks surprised, but heads to the front of the room. 
WILSON
Wow, thanks boss!  The Twins made a big splash a few months back, adding Ricky Nolasco.  I thought we could play off the excitement that a new player creates with a fun giveaway. 
DAVIS
Great!  I really like where this is headed.  People are fond of fun.
WILSON removes the cover from his poster board, revealing DICKIE NOLASCO

WILSON
A dickey is a refined piece of fashion.  The most erudite people I know are dickey aficionados.  In addition, the dickey is practical baseball wear, as you can easily remove it if you dribble any mustard from your hot dog.
DAVIS
I'm confused.  Are these common nowadays?  I can't say I've seen a dickey before.
WILSON
Boss, trust me, this is a fashion revolution.  The dickey is on the rebound. 
DAVIS
Perhaps...but is this the best way to market our players?  When we create apparel with our players on it, we generally don't plaster their faces on it.
THOMAS
It looks like you're trying to smuggle Nolasco out of the stadium. 
WILSON
It's high fashion.  I'm concerned this idea is wasted on this crowd. 
JOHNSON
That's unfair.  I had these pants imported. 
WILSON
Look, the dickey frees up your torso.  If you suffer from uncomfortable stomach sweat, then a dickey is a great way to look nice and feel nice too.
DAVIS
So, is this fashion or comfort?
WILSON
It's both; it's a dickey. 
WILSON looks around the room as if he just recited the Gettysburg Address for the first time. 

DAVIS
Ok, I guess we can put that in the "maybe" pile.  Thanks, WILSON.  Why don't you take a seat?
WILSON looks disproportionately proud of his idea.  The rest of the room is looking at the individual mustard stains on their shirts. 
DAVIS
THOMAS, why don't you take your turn.  Does anyone else want any green tea?  It tastes like burnt popcorn, but it's very good for you?
No one wants green tea.  THOMAS heads to the front of the room.  His poster board is huge.  He uncovers it to reveal OSWALLDO ARCIA.


THOMAS
You've heard of Fatheads, right?  Well, this takes the concept of a Fathead one step further.  OSWALLDO ARCIA is the first in what I think will be a long line of full wall-sized decals that fans can put in their garages, "man-caves," nurseries and/or kitchens.  Starting with a popular, young player like Oswaldo Arcia should spark interest in this product and generate extra attendance when given away to the fans. 
SMITH
It's terrifying.
THOMAS
Most great inventions are terrifying at first.  Do you think there weren't many who were afraid of combines...cars...corkscrews...  I can't think of any other inventions, but you get the idea. 
SMITH
But why is it so big?
JOHNSON
That's what she...
DAVIS
JOHNSON, we've talked about this.
JOHNSON
Sorry boss.
DAVIS
How do we give something this large to fans at a game?  How will we know how big each fan's wall is?  Why did you just use his face? 
THOMAS
I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that player faces were reserved for creepily peeking out behind sport coats. 
WILSON
Hey man, it's not my fault you don't appreciate fashion. 
If it is possible to take too many vitamins, DAVIS just did. 
DAVIS
There are a couple of issues here.  One, it's huge and therefore, impractical.  Two, your insistence on wordplay makes it very difficult to use this idea with other players. 
THOMAS
I mean, that's just how I got the idea.  We could call them Player Wall Hangers or something.  Instead of OSWALLDO ARCIA we'll just call it Oswaldo Arcia Player Wall Hanger.
DAVIS
That's catchy...I appreciate your effort but perhaps we should move on and see what else we have.  SMITH, could you look away from the window for a few minutes and give us your pitch?
SMITH
I think a blue jay and a cardinal are in love out there. 
SMITH moves toward the front of the room.  THOMAS sits down and looks at the lovebirds.  SMITH reveals JOE GNAWER.  DAVIS takes more vitamins.


SMITH
Kids love pets.  Fans love Joe Mauer.  Some kids are fans.  Those kid fans will love Joe Gnawer, the loveable Joe Mauer Hamster.  I figure, we get a few thousand hamsters, put them in tiny Joe Mauer jerseys and see where things take us.
DAVIS
See where things take us?  Why does the hamster have Mauer's head on your poster?
SMITH
Shock value?
THOMAS
Who are you trying to shock? 
SMITH
Does it matter?  People love the Saw movies. 
DAVIS
That doesn't make any sense. 
SMITH
I'm just really distracted by those birds.  I can't figure out if they're friends or not.  Look, If you don't like hamsters in jerseys, you could just slap some sideburns on the hamsters.
DAVIS
How?  Please tell me, how would you do that? 
THOMAS
I'm quite certain that PETA won't approve of any of this. 
SMITH
It's a little outside of my job description, and pay-grade to be honest, to be figuring that out.  Is that what we pay the eggheads for?
DAVIS
SMITH, I'm not sure how I can respond to any of that.  Does anyone have a giveaway that isn't just a player's face put on something?
JOHNSON
I got what you need, boss.
JOHNSON heads to the front of the room.  Instead of a poster, he has a sack.  SMITH lingers at the front of the room for a bit, but then retreats.  He is now just standing in front of the window, looking at birds.  No one seems to really notice or care.  DAVIS has a flask. 

JOHNSON
I present:  Scott Rubies, Scott Sapphires, Scott Emeralds and Scott Diamonds!
JOHNSON spills a mess of colored gems onto the table. 
JOHNSON
These aren't real gems, but they will be. 
WILSON
What makes them Scott?
JOHNSON
BECAUSE WE SAY THEY ARE!!!
DAVIS
Ok, calm down.  Why don't you put your jacket back on?
JOHNSON puts his sport coat back on and takes his tie off of his head.  He is very sweaty.

JOHNSON
Look, I'm tired of fans complaining about our giveaways.  (mocking tone) "Bobbleheads are played out, player gnomes are creepy, these hats smell..."  I'm over it.  If we give fans precious jewels, there's no way they'll complain. 
DAVIS
How would we get enough jewels to give to fans?  These are huge, there's no way we can find uncut gems at this size. 
SMITH (from the window)
That's your problem with this idea?
JOHNSON
You can't tell me that fans wouldn't appreciate and love a handful of real gems. 
DAVIS
I guess I can't tell you that.  Please clean up this table, the Chi-Chi's is nearly here.
JOHNSON slowly and sadly scoops his gems back into his sack.  SMITH rejoins his cohort at the desk.

SMITH
Birds flew away.
DAVIS looks defeated.  He is openly drinking from his flask now.  SMITH, WILSON, JOHNSON and THOMAS look oddly proud of their contributions.

DAVIS
Let's try super brainstorm mode.  We'll go around the room.  Shout out the first idea that comes into your head.  Again, people, wordplay is not required.  We can giveaway things that aren't cleverly named after players. 
WILSON
Aaron Vicks Vapo Rub. 
DAVIS
(shaking head) I can't...
THOMAS
What about Pile Gibson?
JOHNSON
I like that.  We give out a pile of something, right?
THOMAS
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. 
DAVIS is noticeably fuming at this point.  He's turned his chair completely away from the group and is squeezing a stress ball like he's trying to turn it into a diamond.   

JOHNSON
What about Chris Harmelee.  We dress him up like a biker or something.  Give him some brass knuckles.  We could have him fight PC Bear, the bear who won't take a stand on anything. We could promote it ahead of time, like a wrestling match?
DAVIS appears to be sobbing.  There's green tea everywhere. 
JOHNSON
Wrestling is very popular.
SMITH
He's right.  What about Eric Hair Dryer?  We could fashion a hair dryer in a manner where it looks like Eric Fryer is blowing your hair dry.  Or, keep it simple, Trevor SoufflĂ©.
DAVIS is huddled in a blanket.  His shoes and socks are off.

WILSON
You ok, boss?  You look stressed.
Just as DAVIS is about to respond with a hate-filled monologue, there is a knock at the door

CHI-CHI'S
Delivery. 

The executives sit down and eat their meal.  The celebration of food seems to calm DAVIS down.  The group is no closer to choosing giveaways, but harmony has been restored by Chi-Chi's once more.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Post a Comment