Friday, March 7, 2014

A Very Special Mailbag!

My wife is a colorful character.  Seriously, here is a picture of her:

No, wait, that's Dora the Explorer.  My wife does have a lot of pizazz and a curious nature though.  Why not put her inquisitive nature to good use?  I thought, "hey, I can get a blog post out of this."  If nothing else, this will be give you wonderful insight into her thoughts/our marriage/my transcription skills.  These are real questions, I assure you.

By the way, I asked for questions related to the new season and I have no clue what she will ask as of the time I am typing this sentence. 

Q:  Who is going to have a baby during the season?

Like a player or just anyone in the World?  If anyone in the World, I'll say lots of people.  If you're referring to a current Twins player, let me do a crude Google search really quick.  Nothing.  Well shoot.  It won't be Joe Mauer as his wife just had twins and I'm sure they are cool for now.  Wait, I have another Google idea.  IS JOE MAUER THE ONLY PLAYER ON THE TWINS?  Google is failing me.  I'll just throw a dart and say Kyle Gibson.  He's like 26, so sure.

Note - Gibson's wife literally just had a baby earlier this week.  This proves two things - 1.  I don't Google well.  2.  I don't pay attention to anything.

Q:  Ok, this one requires a link.  The link.  My question is are you kidding me, the food in the stadium isn't that great...

So, I guess the question is are you kidding me?  And my answer is no, I'm not kidding you.  However, I completely agree with you.  The notion that Target Field has this amazing cuisine is a very overrated notion.  Most of the food at Target Field is pretty mediocre.  I much prefer a Dome Dog to whatever hog parts are in the hot dogs at Target Field.  Some of the specialty food is good, but it's not good enough to justify a food truck.  Plus, how are Minnie and Paul going to make delicious food with just a spatula and some mustard.  I don't buy it.

Q:  Who's on 'roids?

You are obsessed with steroids.  You think that everyone is on "'roids."  If I put on any weight at all, I'd guess you'd think I was on steroids too.  I don't think any Twins player is on steroids because the testing has gotten a lot better.  If someone on the Twins is doing steroids, they're doing them wrong. 

Q:  Will the Twins be any good (like any) this year?

Wait, why is the "like any" part necessary.  You're going to tune me out before I finish answering this, but we'll see how far we can get.  Yes, I do think the Twins will be "any" good this year.  I think their rotation is better and they have guys who will throw enough innings to keep the AAA guys out of the rotation.  I think that moving Mauer to first is better for his health and should help him hit well in more games. 

You're bored.  I can tell.  You're texting. 

A lot of the young guys will get better and as they get better the team will get better.  Some guys won't get better, but those guys are replaceable because the Twins have a lot of young talent ready to take spots from guys who aren't cutting it. 

Ok, I lost you.  I suppose he does look a little like my brother.  I have no idea, maybe sixty? 

Follow-up statement - I don't want to wait for talent to develop.  I'm all about the here and now.

Q:  Will the interviews with "street people" in Dick and Bert's box still be as awkward?

This might need a slight amount of explanation, but we joke about this a lot at home.  You know when Dick and Bert have some family or fans in the booth with them and they just sit there awkwardly while Dick and Bert ask them questions?  Well, those fans are never mic'd, so you can't really hear their answers.  You basically get a one-way conversation that wouldn't be interesting if you actually could hear both ends.

Role play!

  • Dick:  So, I see you brought a sign to cheer for Kevin Correia.
  • Fan:  (Unintelligible, not on mic)
  • Dick:  Well, he's not that big.
  • Bert:  F***
End scene.

So yes, those interviews will continue to be awkward and it's not the fans' fault. 

Q:  Mauer at first, your thoughts?

I addressed this earlier, but you weren't listening.  I still like it a half hour later.  I think that Mauer is too valuable to the lineup to be on the bench for 30-35 games.  With his concussion problems, removing some of the risk of another concussion just makes sense to me.  He could still get a concussion at first, but it's less likely.  I don't expect a power surge or anything like that, but I do think that Mauer will be as steady, consistent and productive as he has always been.  Now, he'll just play more games.

Q:  Why does the website (note - not sure which website this refers to) list players' DOB instead of age?

Um, I don't know.  Maybe they trust your math skills?

Q:  Who will be my new BF now that JM is gone?

I'll translate - BF is boyfriend and JM is Justin Morneau.  You loved Morneau even though he had that weird forehead.  (she nods)  Well, we certainly have different taste in men.  The only way to do this properly is for me to show you the pictures of the guys I think you might find attractive.  Here are a few:

Chris Herrmann? - I feel like you tried to talk me into him before and it's not working. 

Brian Dozier? - No.  (no additional information provided)

Alex Presley? - Too much facial hair. 

It's a shame, I had heard that some found Presley attractive.  Plus, he was traded for JM, so it would have made for great symmetry. 

Oh well, I guess we'll all just have to stay tuned to this blog to find out who she chooses.  It's like the Bachelor, except I've never seen that show.

Q:  Another link, this one with a video.  The link.  Why does "the U" trump the Twins?

So you're upset that the Twins are using a University of Minnesota moving truck?

It's just weird that the pro team is using a college truck.  You don't think that's weird at all?

Do you think the Twins should have their own trucks?

Well, it just seems weird.  Like, they can't afford it?

If we moved, we might borrow a truck even though we could afford to buy one.

Let's move on.

Final Q:  Walk-up songs.  What will they be?  Which will you like?  What would your song be?

That's an excellent question to end with.  In my experience, professional athletes have terrible taste in music.  They love a lot of radio rock and hip hop and I don't listen to any of that.  I did like Trevor Plouffe's "When the Levee Breaks" last year, but I heard he is changing that.  He's a Pearl Jam fan, so maybe he'll pick one of their songs and I would respect that. 

That means I would like about 1 of 15 walk-up songs.  Ooh, I also liked Ryan Doumit's Danzig song, so maybe 2 of 15. 

As for what I would use, that really depends which avenue I want to go down. I could pick a song I really like or a song that pumps me up, or both.  If that's the case, I'm walking up to "Quick and to the Pointless" by Queens of the Stone Age.  I'd really drag out my pre-at bat routine to hear the whole song. 

The other route would be to walk up to something silly.  A bunch of players walked up to "Call Me Maybe" and songs like those, but that's kind of tired.  If you're going the silly route, you have to be original.  So, I would walk up to me singing "Love is in the Air." 

If you get that last reference, you can be my friend.   

And that's the end of this experiment.  We had  a lot of fun with this, but some of the best moments didn't translate to the page very well.  For that reason, we're going to start a podcast, even if we only record it just once.  Keep an eye out for that.  For now, have a great weekend!


  1. How would you react if one of the Twins had a song by the Afghan Whigs as their walkup?

    And Glen Perkins' choice for last year, "The Zoo" by Scorpions, was brilliant.

    1. That would make for 3, so the odds of a good choice have certainly improved. Although, Perkins is a closer, so he gets a longer song. If I used Quick and to the Pointless as a closer song, I might be able to hear the whole thing. This makes me think.

      If a player used the Afghan Whigs for walk-up music, they would immediately become my favorite player and I would talk about it non-stop. I might run out onto the field to talk to them about it.