Friday, January 24, 2014

I found some Minnesota Twins items on eBay for you

Are you a true Twins fan?  Oh really, then why don't you have a bunch of Twins crap on your walls and in your cubicle?  You need more clutter, my man/woman.  If the majority of your stuff doesn't have a TC logo on it, you're just not doing it right.  Let me help. 

If you're looking for great Minnesota Twins items, you could do a lot worse than eBay.  If you simply search "Minnesota Twins" you will get over 77,000 items, each available for your bid/purchase.  Starting with such a massive sample can be overwhelming.  So, I am here to help you narrow your choices.  I sought out sweet Twins items that will improve your fan cred. 

The key to finding good Twins items is to look in the right place.  You can pretty much ignore the "cards," "fan apparel," and "vintage memorabilia."  If you want those things, just head to your corner memorabilia store.  Support that local business.  Plus, everyone has cards and pennants and hula hoops.  Finding the perfect Twins item requires you to dig deeper.  Because I care about you, here are the ten best items for a REAL Twins fan.  Click the titles to view the items.  

Hey cool, someone else's dirty clothes.  Who used them?  Doesn't matter!  What matters is that you can now own a different person's socks for just $20 and $6.42 shipping.  How does one arrive at that figure for shipping?  It seems strangely precise, as if this person sells other peoples' socks often.  Oh, if you need seven pictures of this unknown player's socks, you're in the right place.  This seller is also offering one game-used Mike Pagliarulo batting glove and an Emil Brown game-used bat.  Yes, the seller does combine shipping.

Do you have a dog? Does your dog love things that touch its ears and sit on its head?  Really?  Your dog is weird.  Well, here is a cap that your weird dog can wear.  It comes in one size (25 lbs +, which pretty much accounts for most dogs, what luck!).  According to the description, the hat is dark blue!  It has embroidered patches!!  It's a great gift idea for any Twins fan!!!  Of course, if that fan does not own a dog, the gift may be confusing.  I guess a human or cat or like a really big turtle could wear it too.  It's a bargain at only $6.59 plus $2.50 shipping. Act fast as only 2 are available!

If you've ever thought, "I love the Twins, but I really love skulls," then this is the item for you.  This is the perfect item to spruce up your very expensive vehicle.  You can show your love for the Twins while also conveying the message that you might be a dangerous individual.  If nothing else, you can finally cover up that pointless rear windshield.  Or put it up at work to get to know your HR person better.  This item comes in many different colors and will be yours for just $7.50 and $1 shipping. 

Do you love posters?  How about mysteries?  Rubber bands?  Are you unwilling to read even one word about what an item could possibly be?  This item has it all!  What's on the poster?  Who cares!  Why didn't the seller unroll it and take a picture?  Who cares!  Why does it seem like that rubber band is so loose?  Who cares!  This rolled-up mystery poster can be yours for just $11.89 with free shipping.  As far as you know, there's a treasure map on the back.  Treasure and Twins!  What a combo!

This listing eschews the whole "banana for scale" motif and uses a shaggy man on the couch eating a sandwich.  At least, I think he's eating it.  He might just be admiring it.  Anyway, this poster is huge.  It's so big it has a seam down the middle!  Mauer's sideburns are actually four feet long.  If you have a giant wall that needs decorating, this is best possible solution.  It's just $24.95 with $9.95 shipping.  There are more than ten available, so you could literally line your house with them.  Just consider it.

Whoa!  This one is a bit more famous; my wife knew of it.  That said, if you don't own it, you're missing out.  With this cookbook in hand, you can learn how to make the following dishes in your very own kitchen:
  • Opening Day Apple Dip
  • Gold Glove Garlic Bread
  • Base Balsamic Swordfish 
  • Strike Out Salmon
  • Broadcast Booth Black Bean Soup
  • Metrodome Meatloaf
  • Bleacher Seat Black Olive Pasta
  • Crack of the Bat Crackers and Crab
This cookbook should be updated every year with new recipes from current players with better wordplay.  Pedro Floriflan?  For now, this relic will have to do.  It's just $8.25 with $3.88 shipping.  If you teach a man to fish...

This item could work for any team, it's just a Twins hat on top.  The estimated retail value is $29.95, but you can have it for $20 and $7 shipping.  That's a savings of nearly $3, which you can start to apply to any of these other items.  If that's not enough to get you to buy, this item comes with instructions!  Hopefully those instructions will clear up whether the controller controls the car, or if it's the other way around. 

If you are a fan of the creepiest tiny statue that one can find, then this is the item for you.  New Twins bench coach Paul Molitor is featured holding a loaf of french bread and smiling like someone just sprayed him in the eyes with pepper spray.  He's got a sweet pompadour too.  This item sells on the secondary market for $15!!  I'm not sure what kind of secondary market exists for such an item, but at just $8 on this primary market, this is the creepy figurine you just cannot pass up.  If you want a tiny Paul Molitor on your desk who will haunt your dreams, then act fast!  Free shipping too!

All the personality of the real Joe Mauer, but with the ability to stick to legos!  The Oyo figure does not have sideburns, so I don't see a resemblance.  This tiny figure is $12.50 with shipping, which seems a bit steep.  If you buy this and the creepy Molitor figure, you wouldn't be able to sleep at night for fear that your new Twins purchases will rise up and enslave us all.  There are more than ten available, so it's not impossible that this could happen. 

Very few people remember that the character "Powder" was played by Harmon Killebrew.  You can remember his signature role with this absolutely terrifying coin.  There's a better than average chance that this coin will steal your soul immediately after you click "buy it now."  This coin is yours for just $149 and that which makes you immortal. 

With that, we have completed your new collection.  Now that your dog has a hat, your rooms are lined with giant posters, you've created an army of tiny Joe Mauer legos, you know how to cook, your soul has been stolen forever and you can keep your socks from falling down, you're a true Twins fan.  Congratulations!


  1. In my opinion, this is the funniest article you've written!! I almost fell out of my chair laughing at some of the items. It's like Jay Leno's "Stuff we found on eBay", but better since it's Twins themed!!

    1. Thank you, I appreciate that! I've never seen that Leno bit before, but I'll have to go check it out.

  2. I have one of those Paul Molitor figures. From eBay. I bought it purely for the rarity of the red uni.

    1. I won't lie, the figure is currently in my eBay cart and I'm 99% certain that I'll pull the trigger. eBay is evil. Every childhood impulse is combined with an adult income, the ease of not leaving my couch (or bed) and the electronic money that I never actually see. Anyway, I have a Kirby Puckett figure much like this one and I am pretty sure that if I put them next to each other, some sort of devil or genie will appear.