Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Real World Series!

The World Series has come and gone.  The Boston Beards were victorious and now I don't have to look at Mike Napoli's gross facial hair any longer.  However, the real World Series is yet to come.  What on Earth am I talking about?  Do you remember this little gem? 

GASP!  Yeah, you forgot about that didn't you?  Or, more likely, you were never aware of it in the first place.  Basically, I wanted to know if a team full of the actual embodiment of their nickname could beat a team full of the actual embodiment of another teams' nicknames.  You know, sets of Twins vs. actual Royals.  The guys from Property Brothers vs. Prince William and whatnot.  I basically predicted who would win each division if this played out in some sort of terrifying world where birds and socks and Angels all played baseball.

Looking back, it is comically long.  I think it was 2700 words.  It would look great at Grantland, but I didn't include enough 80s TV references to meet their quota (that, along with me not good at writing).  Anyway, I wanted to pay off this angle and the real playoffs have ended, so why not start a new playoffs for all to enjoy?

If you don't want to read the entire novel (there are some good lines in there though), here is how the Regular Season played out:

AL Wild Cards:  Indians and Mariners
AL East Winner:  Yankees
AL Central Winner:  Twins
AL West Winner:  Rangers
NL Wild Cards:  Dodgers and Braves
NL East Winner:  Nationals
NL Central Winner:  Brewers
NL West Winner:  Giants

Ok, now that we're all on the same page, let's see how this craziness plays out!

AL Wild Card Game:

A Mariner is a navigator of the sea and Indians are Native Americans.  Rule #4 of my original post states to leave all Politics out of this.  The Indians have home-field due to a better regular season record.  If you remember, the AL West was stacked with jocks, astronauts, cowboys and actual angels, while the Central literally had pairs of white socks and dangerous (but untalented) tigers. 

Since the game is played on Native American soil, I give them the land advantage over the Mariners and in a one-game playoff, that advantage is enough.

Winner:  Indians

NL Wild Card Game:

Once again, no politics.  Dodgers were actually Trolley Dodgers, due to the network of Trolleys in Brooklyn in the late-1800s.  Lunacy!  Who would endanger their lives in such a manner?  The Braves win because the Dodgers get too cute on the base paths and run their way into a bunch of outs and trains.  Baseball is a thinkers' game. 

Winner:  Braves

ALDS Series 1:  Twins v. Indians

Beyond the fact that the Twins have an 18 to 9 advantage, you can just look to their regular season records (not included) and see that the Twins have the edge.  The Indians would need a major power surge to overcome the sheer number of bodies on the field.  Their BABIP would be like .089.  AND, even if they do hit some balls over the fence, I'm not convinced the sets of twins wouldn't just stand on each others' shoulders and make sick over-the-wall catches that we simply aren't ready for.  This one's a walk.

Winner:  Twins in 3

ALDS Series 2:  Yankees v. Rangers

The Yankees won their division mostly due to their competition:  red socks, birds, rays of sunlight.  Whenever they faced off against actual human teams, their unwillingness to use players from other regions outside of the Northern U.S. was their undoing.  In this case, a lot of the cowboys of the South joined up with the Rangers and formed a dominant and rugged bunch.  In addition, they swiped a few Northern cowboys, crippling the Yankees in this series. 

Winner:  Rangers in 4

NLDS Series 1:  Giants v. Braves

The Braves would be tough, but a field filled with actual Giants is just too much to overcome.  The Giants would have a distinct power advantage and the crazy momentum they could generate with their giant arms would lead to some sick velocity. 

Winner:  Giants in 3

NLDS Series 2:  Brewers v. Nationals

Another encounter between two human teams!  When you really think about it, the best brewers would also be eligible to play for the Nationals, so long as they are from the U.S.  However, brewers are notoriously close-knit.  On the other hand, many beer snobs wear silly hats and many brewers are in fact, beer snobs.  Thus, I imagine the Nationals win a hard-fought and somewhat evenly-matched series.  In the end, the brewers are probably more concerned with hops and ales and pilsner or something.  I'm not familiar with beer.

Winner:  Nationals in 5

ALCS:  Twins v. Rangers

I'm really not sure we're fully appreciating what an advantage the Twins have in any baseball game like this.  There are twice as many bodies on the field.  Think of the outfield defense!  Plus, this Twins team hired Joe Maddon and he instituted a ton of wacky shifts.  In fact, he designed this shift just for Adam Dunn:

Think of the other possibilities!  The Rangers would be rugged, tough hombres, but toughness only takes you so far, especially when the Twins shift into their incredibly confusing "ring of fire" defense:

Mind games!  It's too much for rangers to overcome.

Winner:  Twins in 5

NLCS:  Giants v. Nationals

Come on.  What chance to these puny humans have against actual giants?  The idea is so ludicrous that I refuse to even address it.  This is serious stuff here.

Winner:  Giants in 3

World Series:  Twins v. Giants

The one thing I learned from Jack in the Beanstalk is that Giants are attracted to beanstalks.  With 18 guys on the field, they could make a pretty tall human beanstalk.  The average person is about 70 inches tall.  70 times 18 is 1260 inches or 105 feet tall.  Obviously, you have to put the twins who are not afraid of heights at the top, but that's just a small administrative task. 

Once the giants see this human beanstalk, they will be unable to resist climbing it.  Unfortunately for them, once they reach the top, there will be nowhere to go but down, and quick.  Thus:  dead giants everywhere.

All the Twins would need to do is throw the ball up in the air for a few innings, not hit the giants in places where the balls would be absorbed (like fat, don't be gross) and then score a couple runs each night.  The dead giant smell would turn off the fans, but ultimately lead to a Twins World Series championship!  They can't be too proud of their methods, but flags fly forever.  This would be a one-year strategy, as I would imagine the giants on next year's team would be coached to resist the human beanstalk.

Winner:  Twins in 4

I did it.  I found a championship that the Twins can win.  Granted, this Twins team would not have any of our Twins heroes like Joe Mauer, Kirby Puckett, Kevin Correia, Gary Wayne or Carlos Pulido, but I root for teams, not players.  If nothing else, I have proved that I have the want to write 4000 total words on complete nonsense that no one could possibly care about.  Thanks for reading!   


  1. Brad, this is absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard...

    1. Thanks Joel, I'm glad you enjoyed it!