Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Minnesota Twins Trade Deadline Extravaganza Live Blog Excitement

Welcome to the Kevin Slowey was Framed! 2013 Trade Deadline Extravaganza!  I will be with you until and through the deadline with hot takes, quick hits, rumors, speculation, and sandwiches.  That's right, I have sequestered myself up inside my basement.  I've got 12 turkey sandwiches, no fridge, a two-liter of Diet Slice, four plums, half a pack of Rolos and my dog.  I'm not leaving until the deadline has passed!!!

I'll bug the crap out of all of my sources today.  They'll be so sick of my texts, calls and pics after today that they probably won't be my sources any longer.  In fact, it might seem that by the end of this that I never had any real sources at all.  I'm doing this for you.  You, the reader.  You, the rumormonger.  You, the fan.

You might be asking, "why are you doing this in a blog on not on Twitter?"  That's an excellent question.  You don't follow me on Twitter.  No one does.  You should, but you don't.  You keep putting it off.  So, in essence, this is your fault.  Remember that.  It's on you.  

This isn't about me and this certainly isn't about Twitter.  It's all about tradez!  Will Glen Perkins be dealt?  Did Justin Morneau play his final game with the Twins last night?  Will Mike Pelfrey, Kevin Correia or even Sam Deduno join a new rotation?  Does Ryan Doumit have any value?  What about Jared Burton or Casey Fien?  Would the Twins do the unthinkable and trade Joe Mauer?

I'll be here all day, you jackals.  Make sure to mash that refresh button (F5) over and over.  You'll never know when my next hot take, quick hit, rumor, or turkey sandwich will be discussed.  It's going to be quite a day.

Update - 7:15am:  I am hearing that the Twins will not acquire Giancarlo Stanton.  Repeat, the Twins will not acquire Stanton.  I am also one sandwich in.  

Update - 7:55am:  Sandwich #1 has been eaten.  Very dry.  Also, I just remembered that our basement bathroom is not functional and therefore it will be very difficult to stay down here all day.  I will persevere.  No Twins updates, sadly.  

Update - 8:35am:  Polished off the Diet Slice.  May have been a mistake.  The turkey is just so dry.  I was going to make those great Thanksgiving turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce, but I couldn't find any.  I thought about dipping the sandwiches in cranberry juice like a French Dip, but I just have regular wheat bread and that would get really soggy.  But then I forgot to even add salt and pepper.  I still have 10 sandwiches to go.  I'll probably reserve the plums for juice in the meantime.  Oh, no Twins news either.  

Update - 8:50am:  3 sandwiches down.  With no trade rumors, I just keep eating.  

Update - 9:35am:  I drank way too much Diet Slice.  No way I make it down here until 3pm.  I may have to remove the sequester for emergency purposes.  I thought I saw a juicy rumor on Twitter, but it was just a Terry Ryan parody account.  It had a picture of The Brain from Pinky and The Brain.  Outdated and mean.   

Update - 9:45am:  Dropped a plum on the ground.  Down to three.  Also, the dog is now outside.  I repeat, the dog is now outside.  This is not a rumor.  

Update - 11:45am:  Locked myself out for quite some time.  The dog seemed amused, but then hot.  We got back in through the window upstairs, which ruined my plan but allowed me to get more Diet Slice.  Also, while I was away, something about the Twins actually surfaced.  I guess the Orioles are out on Morneau, which almost certainly means they will acquire him in a few hours.  Here's the link:

Orioles wuss out on Morneau

Update - 12:10pm:  According to most online rumor resources, everyone in the Twins' organization totally overslept but are working hard to improve the team after they have a quick bowl of cereal and some coffee.  Also, I've had six sandwiches and all of my plums.  I'm down to six more sandwiches and that half pack of Rolos.  I'll keep you posted.

Update - 12:45pm:  At least this is something:
Ate the Rolos.  

Update - 1:15pm:  All this lack of trading is really bumming me out.  I'm low energy.  I need some sort of physical pick-me-up.  I'm going to go do as many push-ups as I can!

Update - 1:16pm:  Those 7 push-ups really did the trick.

Update - 1:45pm:  Turns out the trade deadline sucks.  I've been playing Rollercoaster Tycoon instead of monitoring Twitt... I mean checking with my sources.  However, I feel a Twins trade coming.  In my bones.  Stay tuned.

Update - 2:40pm:  2 sandwiches and 20 minutes remain.  I'm starting to think the Twins don't have any trade-worthy assets or something.  Couldn't they at least trade off some of those awesome Metrodome artifacts?

Update - 2:55pm:  Five more minutes, nothing on the horizon except a lack of turkey sandwiches.  Not too surprised, but still disappointed.  

Update - 3:05pm:  Twins stand pat, but at least I didn't waste a whole day.

Boo, trade deadline.

Update - 3:30pm:  Drew Butera to the Dodgers for some slacks.  

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