Friday, February 28, 2014

Let's overreact to: Minnesota Twins Spring Training Opening Day lineup

In this landmark, new, award-winning feature, I overreact to stuff. 
Spring Training games officially start today, so we've officially reached the beginning of what I like to call "Overreaction Season."  Since we cannot avoid overreacting, let's just try to get it all out of our system before there's really anything worth overreacting to.  The Twins lineup for the first Spring Training game is about as meaningless as it gets, so let's really dig deep and find a few things to get mad about, then get mad, then get sleepy, then get over it. 

Here is the lineup:

I can't help but notice that a position change hasn't changed "Iron Joe Mauer."  I hope they have hammocks at first base.  I'll set the over/under at 110 games played and I'll take the side that lets me complain the most.  He better be in the lineup next game, or I'm going to completely ignore his upcoming 900 OPS season, instead of just partially ignoring it.

By the way, why is Chris Herrmann catching?  It's bad enough that Josmil Pinto isn't playing, but now our multi-million dollar free agent signing can't play either?  The only thing that Kurt Suzuki does well is make starts at catcher and now he's not doing that?  The Twins could have spent that $3 million on a left fielder who has more range than Rob Riggle.  Yeah, I'm doing pop culture crap now too!  He always plays the same character!

Is Trevor Plouffe soooooo good that he has to bat third?  Couldn't he hit behind Arcia?  Is this some ridiculous veteran pecking order garbage?  I can't stand that hierarchy.  Oh, Plouffe was born first, he deserves to hit first.  UUHHH.  Who cares?  Are we trying to keep the guys who can grow great hair but are too gutless to do so in order?  Hey Plouffe, you gotta earn that spot, you don't just get it handed to you.  Grow your hair out.  You too, Dozier.

Speaking of earning a spot, why is Jason Bartlett starting over Pedro Florimon?  I know Florimon isn't anything special, but if he didn't do anything to lose his job last year, why'd he lose it before this season?  Huh?  Remember when Bartlett couldn't get into the lineup because other guys were on scholarships?  Now he has a scholarship?  What gives?  Why can't we just give the spots to the best players on the team?  What an odd concept!

I guess Mike Pelfrey's our Ace and Opening Day starter.  Bully.  For the record, that game starts at 3:10pm and you can expect it to end around midnight.  Pelfrey will walk 40 miles around the mound.  Are the Twins ordering their rotation by height?  Is this a class photo or a baseball team?  On the plus side, the Red Sox hitters will get an extra round of batting practice, so that's altruistic.      

Oh, and it's great to see all the young guys in the lineup after losing approximately 2000 games over the last three seasons.  Where's Buxton?!?  Where's Sano?!?  Where's Meyer?!?  What are the Twins so afraid of?  They'll play well and drive up their free agent price?  When is this team going to start worrying about winning games more than winning money?  Although, when you find something that works, you just keep doing it, right?  

Are you a fan of saltine crackers?  This lineup looks like a sleeve of saltine crackers.  The sleeve that comes with one burnt side.   

That's all.  My blood is boiling!

You know what, I actually feel better.  I'm going to take a six-hour nap.


  1. I've never commented here and I don't know how long you have been up, but for about the last seven months you are the Twins blog I read most and this is a perfect example why. You're shit is hilarious man. Don't stop believing!

  2. A correction- they lost 2500 games in the last three years, right?

    1. You're right, I was too busy trying to type words on my calculator to do the math properly. Thanks for fixing that for me!