Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The Pelfrey Theories: Volume 1 of 1

You'll have to forgive me, I've been away.  Did I read that Mike Pelfrey is being considered for the fifth starter spot?  I believe I read that somewhere, but that can't be, right?  I mean, he's tall and whatnot, but he hasn't been good since 2010.  I know I've been absent from the baseball world, but time didn't spin all the way back around to 2010 again, did it?  How could that happen to just the baseball world?  Stop trying to confuse me.  ANSWER ME!

Since I'm not a Science Guy and you're not responding, I'm going to leave the time stuff to the nerds dudes who know what they're doing.  I'm more of a Wild, Stupid, Sometimes Zany Theory Guy.  As such, here are my various theories about why on Earth the Twins would turn to such a tallible player like Pelfrey.  I am also a Word Inventy Guy.

Theory Number 1 - He's tall
No, not all of my theories are about height.  This one is.  I can't shake the feeling that the Twins are enamored with his height.  Fact:  Tall guys are good at basketball.  Fact:  Basketball becomes Baseball when you take out two letters.  Fact:  Two letters is not a lot of letters.  Fact:  This might come in handy around June, during the NBA Finals.  The only question is how.  Maybe the Twins don't want to share how.  Maybe you should just trust them.  Stop being a dork about it.

They know what they're doing.

Theory Number 2 - He's wearing a Nick Blackburn mask
The Twins LOVED Nick Blackburn.  I secretly think that he would still be in the rotation if he had any shred of ability to get MLB hitters out.  This is no longer a secret.  Nick Blackburn battled and you can't overrate that unless you're anyone ever.  Mike Pelfrey is a taller version of Nick Blackburn.  Beard:  check.  One good season/moment:  check.  Seems nice (more on this later):  check.  Uniform number greater than 36:  check. 

Those four pieces of evidence pretty much sum it up.  If you still need convincing, here's some visual evidence:

And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling fans.

Theory Number 3 - HE HAS THE CODES!!!!
We have it under good intel that Pelfrey has the codes.  The codes.  You know which codes, STOP PLAYING DUMB!  HE HAS THE CODES!!!  Do you know what he could do with THE CODES!?!  If those codes get out into the real world, we're ALL screwed!  Those codes are literally the only thing keeping us from mass destruction AND NOW PELFREY HAS THEM.  Stop eating THAT APPLE and help me figure out how to stop him!  No one CAN know that Pelfrey has THE codes.  If the public knew that Pelfrey had the codes, it would be MASS frenzy.  Give him what he wants; he...HAS...the...COOOOOOOOOOOOOODES!!!!!!!! 


Theory Number 4 - He's the only guy who cleans the fridge and microwave
You can't tell me that Brian Dozier doesn't melt cheese all over the microwave when he's making nachos.  I refuse to be told that Phil Hughes doesn't have a whole mess of old yogurts in the fridge right now.  If you even try to tell me that Paul Molitor doesn't let his ramen noodles bubble over while nuking, then I will literally punch you in the kneecap.  Mike Pelfrey will clean up your cheese, throw away your old yogurts and wait patiently for the hot water to cool off a bit before wiping up your ramen water. 

Theory Number 5 - He's like, super nice
Pelfrey seems like an affable guy.  He's jovial.  He's merry.  Who wouldn't want an affable, jovial, merry man in the clubhouse?  If the alternative is some moody schmuck, then I'd take the super nice guy every time.  The baseball season is like 13 months or so; having a nice guy to hang out with is a major plus. I bet he's really good at Xbox.  The Twins have always liked nice guys.  I prefer bad boyz.

You might combine this one with Theory 4, if you really want to get loco.

Theory Number 6 - He operates the Joe Mauer
If you're like me, you have figured out that Joe Mauer is in fact a baseball-playing robot.  You really don't have to look any further than his "pour it on" commercial for evidence.  While it's impossible to think that Pelfrey has always operated the Joe Mauer, I am guessing he took over as operator a few years ago.  Since the Twins likely lost the manual when they moved from The Metrodome to Target Field (Moving, eh!  Am I right?), only Pelfrey knows how to operate the Mauer.  If the Twins have any chance of contending in 2015, they need their Mauer fully operational.  

Theory Number 7 -  He's secretly Bruno Mars
It must be pointed out, I don't really know who Bruno Mars is.  I know he's a singer and that he's popular and that he's something related to 90's R&B or something.  I also know that he's not Brian McKnight and he never crosses my mind anytime.  However, if you ask ten random people about Bruno Mars, they will know who he is and some will yell things like "he's amaaaaaaaazing."

Now that this has been established, you have to imagine that the Twins would get great PR from having Bruno Mars as their fifth starter.  First, it would be a pretty shocking revelation.  Second, he could sing the National Anthem.  Patriotism is big these days.  Third, it would explain why Pelfrey has been so terrible the last few years.  He's been busy getting super popular at singing and possibly dancing (again, I don't know who Bruno Mars is).

Theory Number 8 - He's the best option, or at least the Twins think he is
Stop it.  It's not crazy.  If you could stop laughing/cursing for just one second, I can explain.  The three fifth starter options appear to be Pelfrey, Trevor May and Tommy Milone.  Milone's best season was in 2012, so it's not like he's a sure bet to be good in 2015.  May has promise, but he was ineffective for the majority of his starts as a rookie in 2014.  Pelfrey is a veteran and he's thrown over 190 innings three times.  Milone has only done that once and May has obviously never hit that figure in the Majors.  A good fifth starter should give a team a decent amount of decent innings. 

Yeah, I know, decent is the key word there.  Pelfrey was awful last year, but he was injured.  He wasn't much better in 2013, but he did have a 3.99 FIP in 152.2 innings pitched.  That's not so bad!  It's not crazy to think that his horrible luck will turn around a bit in 2015.  It's not like Pelfrey is an old man either.  He's only 31 and he's only under contract through this year. 

Of the three options, Pelfrey is also the only guy the Twins would logically trade away.  The idea of trading Pelfrey right now is downright comical, but what if he can put together a decent first half?  What if he can return to his pre-TJ form?  What if we all start growing fins so that we can swim better?  That would be so cool.  So would a good half-season from Pelfrey.  Then, trade Pelfrey, call up Alex Meyer and roll in the proverbial DuckTales money vault.    

For the record, I think that the final theory is the correct theory.  But secretly...

I think he has the codes.